This has not been an easy year......

That's an understatement. This has been an incredibly tough year for me. This is the first full year I've lived without my husband. I lost my house to foreclosure and moved into a manufactured home. I live by myself....for the very first time ever. My daughter used my debit card to steal thousands of dollars from me to support her drug habit. I raised Amiah by myself for a few months while my daughter was homeless. Yet, as awful as all of that was, I was blessed a thousand times over this year as well. I went to hang out with my friend Holly in Boise in February and that was a HUGE blessing. Just having a wonderful friend like that to just do a whole lot of nothing with, and feel comfortable doing nothing was great. I also went to see my sister in Missouri in the summer along with my precious niece Kim and my sister treated us both like royalty taking us to dinner and going to get pedicures and massages.....I'm still thinking about how great my toes looked! I also took a huge load of friends to Pismo Beach for my first anniversary without Barry and oh my did we have a good time!! I had one of my best belly laughs ever playing "Apples to Apples" with that bunch of women. I also had tears of rememberance, but it was softened by having my friends with me. I also went down to visit my niece in December to see her and the kids and my sister was there visiting as well. That was a quick trip, but so very very nice. Amy is in re-hab and seems to be doing very well. Patrick James was born in December and of course that was a huge blessing. I feel safe in my new little home and I have my sweet, silly puppy Sophie who is constantly entertaining. So I am looking forward to this next year being a bit better. Not quite as gut-wrenching. I wish all of you the happiest of new years and may blessings abound on us all!

Not feeling it

Its been a long time since I posted anything. I've been doing okay. Thanksgiving was great, although Kim and the kids were not there this year, which was sad. But my girls and their families were and that was wonderful . We started a new tradition this year and did a Thanksgiving Tablecloth where we all wrote on it with a sharpie saying what we were thankful for that year. Then we'll bring it out next year and so on and so on. How I wish we could have started this tradition when Barry was alive. I would have loved to have looked back on what he was thankful for. And my daughter Julie finally gave birth to precious little Patrick. He is adorable and mellow and its so great to have a newborn in the family again. It was a quick birth....very very very quick. She almost had him in the car. If Danny hadn't had scooped her up and carried her into the birthing center she would have had him in the car. I'm grateful for that, as he had the cord wrapped around his neck and needed and his heart rate was pretty slow. But all is great, Patrick is great as is Julie, Danny, Tobin, Aiden, Annika and Piper (Danny's daughter). Phew!!

As for the "not feeling it" title of my post, its cuz I'm just not into Christmas this year. I'm unorganized and not even hardly started on shopping for everyone. Don't even have many ideas. I did not put up a Christmas tree in my little place this year because, 1. I don't really have a spot for one, 2. I don't want to get a real tree and wrassle it all by myself into the house and put it in the stand, 3. I don't want to buy a fake tree and 4. I don't want to get all those beautiful ornaments out that Barry and I put on the tree every year and I don't want to get all the stockings out because I can't fill Barry's anymore and he isn't around to fill mine.....Amy is in re-hab with Amiah, so why bother? It would just make me sad to look at the tree all by myself. Since I "ran away" to Disneyland last year, this is really my first REAL Christmas without Barry. I'm acutally doing okay by myself. But at times like this, missing Barry becomes more acute. I'm going to try and go on a mini -vacation with my best friend in January or February just to have something to look forward to. Disneyland again maybe, or San Diego or who knows....just something. I was talking to another friend of mine who lost her husband 2 years ago and she and I have another in thing in common: We want to go sky-diving! Barry was always freaking out about me wanting to do that, so I didn't, because I didn't want to upset him or have him worry. But now.....well, we are gonna try it together in the spring/summer. So thats something I am looking forward to. I also had a nice little mini-vacation down to Murietta, CA where my niece and her family live and, bonus: my sister was there visiting from Missouri and ,double bonus: my Aunt Bonny was throwing her annual Christmas party and I havent' seen her in years and years. So I got a lot in on the few days I was down there. It was sooooo good to see my niece's kiddo's and hang out with my sister. We had a blast (although my sis wasn't happy sharing a room with me because apparently I have developed a snoring habit.) I NEVER snored like that in my life. I was always a quiet, quiet sleeper. I didn't snore like that when I visited my sister in Missouri in the summer.....so what happened since then? geez. Apparently I could give a buzz saw a run for its money. *sigh*

Anwyay, I'm grateful for my precious new little grandson, I am grateful for my family that is there when I need them (and my moms delicious Thanksgiving dinner....she rocks!) and I am focusing on all my blessings instead of wallowing in lonlieness without Barry. I'll get thru it....I always do, with help from my great big God. I have to remember : instead of telling God how big my storms are, to tell my storms how big my GOD is. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Time marches on

Soooo....I haven't updated my blog in awhile, so I figured I better get on it. Things have been moving right along which is a good thing I guess. I am settling into my new home. Its beginning to feel more like home lately. My entire family (except for Amy of course who is in rehab right now, thank you God) went to celebrate Barry's parents 61st wedding anniversary and Wayne's 80th birthday the first weekend in October. It was the first time I have been up there visiting since Christmas 2009. The in-laws have come here many times so I have seen them, but I haven't been up there since then. Frankly, I didn't want to drive up there by myself and I didn't want to stay there by myself with them. I love my in-laws with all my heart but I knew I would have a serious heartbreak being there without Barry. So this weekend was a great thing because there was lots of diversion and we all stayed in a funky little "motel"....more like cabins in McKinnleyville. They had little kitchens and room for families in these cabins and I thought they had a lot of charm. We had a little campfire there in the evenings where we roasted marshmallows and talked with all the kids and caught up with all the cousins and in-laws etc. The party itself was great and I even sang at Wayne's church during the service with my daughter. I love singing with her and we dont' do it nearly enough. So the weekend was wonderful and it allowed me be there and not have toooo much heartbreak. I must confess, during the party, I kept looking for Barry. It was very strange. We had a little table with his picture on it for a "memorial" for him since it would have been his 55th birthday. The weekend after I got home I had a "mini-meltdown". I looked at my new home and thought "How did I get here? What just happened in my life?" It felt like I had been taken out of my old life and plopped down in this new one. I acutely missed Barry again, like this was brand new. But the good news is....it passed quickly....like within hours. I guess I am getting on with life. I'm grateful Amy is in re-hab and I hope this time it sticks. I'm under no illusions, but I am hopeful. There is always hope. Little Amiah seems to be doing very well, though I miss that little cutie pie so much! I get to have her for a few hours every other weekend and that helps my lonliness. Julie is due to deliver little Patrick James next month doing well and Laura is also well and healthy as is baby Eva. The grandkids are all good, I have my health. There is so much in life to be grateful for. Time does help heal, and I am looking forward to Thanksgiving with family and the smell of turkey filling the house and me, covered in grandchildren and hugs....have I mentioned I love my family? God is good and I am good. It all works out.

Grief of a different sort

So now, its been a little over a year since Barry's death and I've had all my "firsts". Except this one: I found out thru a series of events which I won't bore you with, that my middle daughter had been stealing my ATM card, (obviously she found out my pin #) and had been stealing thousands of dollars from my account, bit by bit over the last couple of months. She very effectively hid the bank statements from me because she got the mail and knew I probably wouldn't ask about them since the majority of the fraud was the month I moved to my new place and closed Barry's shop etc. I was a little overwhelmed to say the least and scrutinizing my bank statement was about the last thing on my mind. I had NO clue. None. I did not suspect a thing until a certain event led me to check my account. Its a God thing, is all I can say. So the bottom line is she is not living with me anymore nor will she ever again. I had Amiah (her 2 year old) for a week and my wonderful, amazing friends helped me once again babysitting her (thank you thank you thank you!!) while I was working. When I found out the extent of the fraud I sat down on the floor and cried buckets and buckets of tears. Betrayed. By my own daughter who was obviously on drugs again. And THAT made me cry just as hard. When I asked her why she just cried and said "I don't know". But here's the good thing. I told her that this was the very, very last straw and that if she didn't call Womens Recovery Service (which is a great in-patient program that takes moms and kids) I would send her to jail. I would bring her up on charges and make sure she was prosecuted. I'm still considering it. It depends on a few things and I need to get some good advice regarding this. She entered the rehab on her own and she will be there for 4 months as an in- patient. She admitted her guilt and seemed to want to do better. I'm not putting all my hopes into this, as she has been in re-hab before and relapsed and I was hurt yet again by the theft of some things in my house. But I am praying mightily and have others praying as well that she find a Christian friend in there to help her. Rehab can be a nightmare of viciousness, jealousy, pettiness etc when you throw a bunch of insecure women together. I pray that she find the Lord thru all of this because she cannot do this by herself. Her dad had a problem with alcohol for years but overcame it with help from rehab, AA and his love and dedication to the Lord and his family. Amy needs God's help to pull her through this. So I ask all of you to pray for Amy, for her salvation, for her strength to get through this and to completely change her life. I'm doing okay thru all of this, but I'm not gonna lie, this hurt badly. But I have learned a lot as well. God allowed this to take place for a reason and I will follow His lead. So I continue on in this journey of life by myself. Its not easy, but there are still blessings to be had.

Survival

It's been one year. One loooong year. I never thought I would survive this, but I have. This week has been difficult for me because you don't have an "anniversary" like this without thinking back on how it was a year ago. I re-read some of my blog and boy did the feelings and emotions all come back in a surge. The heaviness of heart. The crushing agony of grief. The primal cry I gave out when he took his last breath and how I sunk to the floor and couldn't move. The tears that would not stop no matter where I was or who I was with. But I have learned a lot also from this. I've learned that I can manage to do things without him, though not as easily. I still hate taking the trash cans to the curb, but of course I can do it. Thats the easy one. I still hate having to figure out financial stuff, but I can do it. I've learned I can buy a house and manage it on my own. I've learned how to sleep in the middle of the bed. For months I slept huddled on one side of the bed and when I woke, I would invariably have tears . I also slept with his flannel shirt wrapped around his pillow for months. When it stopped smelling like him, I put it away. I have kept his wedding ring on a chain around my neck to keep it close to my heart. I've learned who my real friends are and who help me no matter what and guess what? Thats all of them. Seriously. Isn't that a huge blessing? I've also thought back on our marriage and realized that I had what some people only dream of having....a true soul mate. We had our issues and struggles and it obviously wasn't easy. But the bottom line is that man loved me with his whole heart and I loved him with my whole heart right back. We learned from each other, we listened, we cared. I put his happiness ahead of mine and he put mine ahead of his. I miss feeling so loved. I miss being cherished and cherishing him. But life invariably goes on. There have been so many changes in my life this past year, especially moving to a new place. But through it all God has provided. He has been faithful. I know there are more hurdles to overcome still and I'm trying not to think too far ahead. I'm trying to take things day by day, step by step. After work , I'm going up to his graves site with some friends where we will remember him together, pray and perhaps sing a hymn or two. Then we will go to dinner and drink a toast to his memory... to that beautiful, generous, goofy soul who always tried to do what was right, gave until it hurt and then gave some more. To that loving husband, son, father, grandfather and friend who I know, without a shadow of a doubt is in heaven waiting for me. And while he is waiting he is visiting with his beloved grandfathers and grandmothers and his dog Madchen who was eagerly awaiting his arrival with a "a-rooo-roooo-rooo!" and a tail wagging that wiped all the bric a brac off the coffee tables. But he is there. And I will see him again. And there in lies my comfort. Thank you Jesus for salvation and heaven. And thank you Lord, from the bottom of my heart, for Barry.

Almost a year

I had a wonderful, amazing trip to Missouri to visit my sister an my niece Kimberly (her daughter) was there as well. I had no idea how much I needed a little R & R after the month I had. My sister pampered me soooo much. Massages, pedicures,(mine are the green sparkly toes!) dinners out (what great food they have there!) Kimberly and I shared a room and we giggled like 13 year olds into the night making up songs and plotting to decorate my sisters dogs while she was at work. We made a "Sheltie Spa" and made signs that said "We put the Wow in Bow Wow" etc and made my sister giggle big time when she came home from work seeing her doggies new "do's". I got home and started back on the new "normal" routine and realized it has been almost a year since my husband passed away. I can hardly believe it. How have I lived nearly a year without this man? It seems impossible to believe. I still miss him. Always will. I still wear his wedding rings around my neck and still wear my wedding ring. I can't seem to take it off. But yet, I don't cry every single day anymore. I'm starting to feel more like myself. I'm seeing a grief counselor to help me get thru the really rough times and it is helping. It seems impossible for me to giggle myself into a stomach ache but thats exactly what I did in Missouri. And I won't lie....it felt good to laugh like that. There is still joy to be had and yes I've found some here and there, thanks to my friends and my amazing sister and wonderful niece. I read a book when I was in Missouri called "Heaven is for Real"....and wow, was that ever an amazing book. Gave me a lot of joy because it put an exclamation point on what I have always believed. Made Jesus even more real to me, if thats possible. I WILL see Barry again and that alone gives me joy and hope. Almost a year without my precious Barry. God is taking good care of him in heaven, though and I hope he and I have our mansions together. He just better not be decorating the place with only Jeff Gordon stuff. : - )

Settling in

I'm settling in to my new home gradually. This is the first place I've ever had all by myself, and I have to say.....its weird. Amy and Amiah have been staying with me. Amy should be moving out next month and then I will REALLY have it all to myself. Me, myself and I have to deal with getting the dishwasher fixed and hanging the pictures and unpacking the boxes etc. I have to go to the breaker box and flip the switch when we blow a fuse. I have to take the dog out, pay the bills, keep track of the money, take the trash to the curb.....not that I can't do it. I can and I am. But when you've never had to worry about stuff like that and now you do....its weird. I have the pictures of Barry and I in a collage that my niece made for the memorial service hanging in my bedroom and I look at it every day. It seems like a million years ago....and it seems like yesterday. I wear his wedding ring on a chain around my neck and I must touch it 50 times a day, just to keep a connection with him. This whole thing feels strange. But this morning I woke up and actually thought that I would love to be able to stay "home" today and work on organzing my closet. This is the first time I thought of it as home. Its always been "the new place". So I guess thats a good sign, right?
I'm going to see my sister next week for a 5 day visit and my niece is coming too. It will be good to make some new memories and "play" for a few days. I can use a few more fun days in my life. Until then, I'm gonna work on "weird" changing into "normal". It make take some time, but I'm gonna do it. Weird, huh?

Friend Therapy

So as you can see by my pictures,(see below as well) I had a lot of friend therapy. All these wonderful women came and helped me get through a very difficult weekend. There were many tears as I walked along the beach, and my friends all came over and hugged me. We had a devotion on the beach as well Sunday morning that invoked tears as well. But we also had many many laughs. We played a game called "Apples to Apples" and the later it got, the sillier it got and we all laughed so hard I thought I was going to fall off my chair. Do you know how long it has been since I've laughed that hard? Ages and ages and ages. And these dear women helped me. What would have been a heartbreaking weekend, turned out to be one of the most wonderful weekends ever. I do not know how anyone gets through troubling times like this without friends. It was the best therapy ever. And now I'm planning a trip to go see my beloved sister the end of this month. That will be more therapy. We "talk" every day through e-mail, but its just not the same. And my precious niece will be joining us as well and that will make things even more wonderful. I have something to look forward to. I'm anticipating buying some great books to read during the flight as well as fun times with my sis and niece. The last time we were all together was one of the saddest times ever and its time to make new memories that have fun and laughter in them. Precious family and friends......God has certainly blessed me with them, and for this I will be forever grateful.

Too many Good-byes

Well, I did it. Its been a very long time since I've written in my blog, so I figured I should bring you all up to date. I moved, we completely closed the Car Doctor (as in everything had to be out of the shop) and I had to put my sweet little corgi A.J to sleep. Three very difficult good-byes all by themselves and I had them in within a few weeks. But .....its done. I had a lot of help. Barbara, the gal who ran Car Doctor is nothing short of amazing and did everything, and I mean everything so I didn't have to lift a finger. My youngest daughter Laura was a marvelous help as well. But it was soooo hard to say good bye to that business. I can still see my husband bounding out of the front door to say hello to me....smell the grease and hear the air compressor going. It was so much a part of Barry. But it will make my life simpler to not have to run a shop with all the things I have going on in my life. I had to put my sweet little Corgi, A.J. to sleep as his back legs were not working and he started to lose bowel control. Now that was a hard call. If I had not been moving, I may have had him for a bit longer. But the vet said that with the move and the loss of bowel control it was only going to get worse, not better. SO hard to put that sweet boy down. I even had to have my mother come and get me at the vet because I was crying so hard I couldn't drive. And of course, I moved. I had so many people helping me with the move....I have a lot of angels around me. I hired a moving company and they were great. Came at 7:30 and had me moved into my new place by 3:30. Nice. But turning over the keys to my old house was another heart breaker. My house foreclosed and was sold at auction and I had to give the keys to the real estate agent. Left the house in tears again. And now, this weekend would have been my 34th wedding anniversary and I did not want to spend it alone. So I gathered some friends together and we are all going to caravan down to Pismo Beach and going to hang out and go to Solvang. Hopefully that will divert me a bit. Amy has been staying with me for a bit to help me and get me used to the house. Its very strange to know that this place is MINE and mine alone. I'm learning to use a screwdriver. I also know how to call people and ask them to help me. So many good-byes. And so many blessings as well. I have friends. I have help. I am not alone, really. Besides good ol' God who just keeps hanging on to me and holding me up ,I have family and friends and my health. And that truly is the greatest blessing of all. And so.....to quote Celine Dion, "my heart will go on".....as will my life, albeit without the love of my life. So endeth another chapter in my life, and I'm glad you are all with me as I start a new chapter. Blessings to you all.

Commencment

At this time of year there are many graduations, commencements, new beginnings. That is also true for me. I am commencing upon a new phase in my life. Again, not what I planned at all, but this is the way it is. I have been silent on this blog for awhile because there have been soooo many changes in my life, and not very easy ones at that. I will have to move from my house. I will have to give up a dog. I will have to go bankrupt. I will have to close my husbands business. Those are all HUGE things all by themselves and I have to do all of these at once. I am moving from my house because it has been foreclosed on and will be sold on the 15th of this month at auction. On the advice of my bankruptcy attorney I am going to purchase a mobile home for around 60K with the life insurance money. I will pay cash for it and just pay rent on the land. That will be do-able for me with my income. Renting in this area is expensive. For a decent 2 bedroom place it will run me $1200 per month at least. So this way my rent will be under $1000. But I had to apply to live at a mobile home park and they only allow one dog. One. And I have two . My 12 year old Corgi AJ who has been with us for 8 years and whose back legs don't work. He kind of "army crawls" around the house, but is not in any pain and is a generally happy dog and still has all his functions, other than walking normally. How do I give him up? And then there is Sophie, who is 9 months old and my therapy dog.....I got her to sleep with me so there will be another living thing breathing next to me in bed. She is adorable.....how do I give her up? I don't know what I am going to do. Common sense says I need to give AJ to someone else because Sophie is my therapy. But who wants a 12 year old dog that can't walk? And I can't give up my therapy dog. She is such a help to me when I'm feeling lousy. Its literally "Sophie's Choice" in my house right now. So I am praying on these matters.

The other thing is the Car Doctor has closed. That was MUCH harder than I expected it to be. I went down there to gather some personal things and found I was crying so hard I couldn't concentrate. That shop was the very essence of Barry. I still expect him to come around the corner of that shop and greet me. It smells like him. This was his baby and he was sooo proud of it. He built that shop.....from starting as a mobile mechanic to renting another small shop to this beautiful shop. But there is no more money. No more business. Without him, the business simply ceased. All the stuff in there will go toward the bankruptcy to pay off the debts. I will most likely have to give up my car, because the car the courts will let me have has to have a value of less than $3000. My car is worth more than that. There are too many good-byes these days and I am getting overwhelmed. I feel like Barry is being erased somehow with all the stuff I have to give up. The home that we wanted to retire in. his dog, his shop, his clothes, his shoes....I know he will never be erased in my heart, but that's the way I feel and the grief is rising up anew in me. I was doing so well, and now the tears are flowing unabated once again. But my dear "son" Ryan texted me and said that these things are like a broken bone that needs to be re-set in order to heal properly. It is not without pain, but in the end, there will be healing. And as he also said, I have a very good Doctor. Indeed I do. I realize that I am blessed in so many areas and I am better off than others. But it is still painful. And I have a "death grip" on my Lords hand as He guides me along. I will post pictures of my new place soon. In the meantime, I cherish your prayers as I travel on in this new life of mine. This is a commencement of sorts. I will begin a new chapter in my life.....on my own.

Depression hurts

Depression hurts. At least thats what the commercial on TV says. They show these people sitting on the couch with a blank stare, laying in bed, going about their day with no joy etc. I really, really hate to admit it, but that was me for awhile. Oh, I could go to work and interact with people and do what I had to do, but I was in a place that brought me no joy. Things in my life were just really getting to me. My husband is gone, the house is in foreclosure, I'm being sued for credit card payments, my middle daughter is in a depression worse than me, fighting drug addiction and I have her 2 year old daughter full time which is really tiring....though I love her to pieces. But after working a full day, running to pick her up and get her home and get her fed, played with a bit, bathed, pj's on and put to bed there is literally nothing left of me but bone weariness. Lets face it, I'm not in my 20's or 30's anymore and she is all encompassing. She is a piece of sunshine in my dark days and hugging her has kept me from going over the edge. My family came together for Amy's birthday and it was nice, but then the next day we had a family conference and lets just say it could have turned out better. It stirred some emotions and anger and resentment from my daughters that literally put me over the edge. On Monday, I could barely keep it together at work......its hard to mix drugs with tears streaming down your face and having to keep running to the bathroom to sob and pray that no one else would come in and ask whats the matter. Because you can't sum this gut wrenching, soul searing emotions up in a few words. You want to talk to someone but you just can't. I know people will say, "why didn't you call me? I would have come over." But I couldn't even get up the gumption to do even that. I just plodded thru my day, saying the right things to the right people, doing my job and trying not to burst into tears. I went to the dentist and he was trying to make small talk and all I could do was give him a wan smile and try not to cry. I wrote encouraging comments on peoples facebook posts and answered e-mails and all the while I was fighting the urge to run away and just hope all the negative feelings would go away. And all the while I was feeling this I knew that this was only the tip of the iceberg of total depression....the not getting out of bed and wanting to kill yourself depression that some people go thru. I glimpsed the inside of that though and I didn't like what I saw. Yes I prayed myself thru it. Because ....well, here's the deal. You know when you can't call someone to talk .....you can talk to God. Seriously. Thats all I could do. Even if it was just crying to Him and saying "help me, please, I just can't do this anymore." God doesn't cheer you up. He just is......there. On the day of Barry's memorial, I remember waking up that morning and immediately starting to cry and say "I can't do it....I just can't" and sobbing uncontrollably. Holly was there next to me and didn't say a word....just held my hand and let me cry it out. She knew there would be no words to "cheer me up".....she just let me know she was there to hold on to.....and I did hold onto her. Thats what God does....holds onto you and won't let go. One of my favorite quotes is from a book called The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. The quote is "there is no pit so deep, that He is not deeper still." Meaning....He will not let you fall. I felt like I was falling.....but God caught me and didn't let me get to the really, really horrible place that I felt there was no hope. Yes, depression hurts, but it DOES get better. Today, I am better. Not back to normal, but better. I'm trying. Thats all I can do. Hold on, keep going and trust that God will never let me down.

I did it

I did it. Didn't think I could, but I did it. I donated Barry's clothes to our local Gospel Mission. It wasn't easy, but I reasoned with myself that they are no longer doing me any good just hanging there in the closet. They DID do me good for awhile. I slept with his shirt buttoned around my pillow for awhile. When they still smelled like him, they did me good. With each shirt and pair of pants I put in the box, there was a memory attached to it. This was the shirt I bought for him at Cabela's when I was visiting my sister....this was the shirt he bought on the cruise....these are the nice warm pants his parents got for him from Lands End that he loved...each one was like a trip down memory lane. There were a few things I could not bear to part with. Like his Jeff Gordon socks... a few hats of his etc. His one beloved hat that he always wore, his black hat that you see in so many pictures,was given to his "son", Ryan, who I knew would revere it and make sure nothing happened to it. He cried when I gave it to him. This was hard....very hard. But someone else can put his clothes to good use . I just hope I don't see someone walking down the street in one of his shirts. I might have to go hug the poor unsuspecting person who would not know what to do with me. This is closure of a different sort. I cried a lot when I did it, but now that its done, it doesn't feel too bad. Barry, I hope you know how much I loved you and how hard that was, but I know you are proud of me. I feel you still in my heart, all day every day. You may be gone, but the love stays. The love......stays.

Reflections

Today would have been my dads 81'st birthday had he lived. He died on Christmas day in 1974. I was only 17 then. Having first hand experience on what its like to lose a father to cancer makes my heart ache for my daughters, who suffered a similar fate. My father never got to see me dressed up for my senior prom, or see me graduate from high school or walk me down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams. Never got to see any of his grandchildren or great grandchildren. He had two girls, me and my sis, and I know he wanted a boy. I was supposed to be named Steven if I were a boy. He regretted never having anyone to discuss the Giants with and discuss batting averages and stats. Then when my sister and I got married , my sister had one girl and I had three. He would STILL be wanting boys. I can just hear him calling it his "harem of girls". My dad had a great sense of humor and was the life of any party. He was very handsome and had a great head of hair. No receding hairline for this man! He had a wonderful tenor voice and I was blessed to sing with him in choir and in duets. I share the same love of music that he did. He never minded going to the ballet with his girls or seeing a musical. He embraced it. So many wonderful memories of this man. I just wished he would have lived longer. 44 was way to young to die of brain cancer. Way to young.

Its now been six months since I lost my love and my girls precious dad. In some ways it seems like years ago and in others it feels like yesterday. I'm not even close to getting rid of some of his stuff. Its all still precious to me, but some things are getting easier. I don't cry every single day anymore, but I think about him constantly. I don't sleep with his shirt wrapped around my pillow anymore, but I still roll over and hug his pillow like its him. I don't cook much at all anymore. I eat standing over the sink or on the couch. I can think of him without choking up....mostly. I still see him in every corner of this house....hear him saying "love you" with every chime of the grandfather clock he bought me. I can't believe I've learned how to live without him. I guess you really do get on with your life. Yes, its a "new normal". I don't have to like it, but I do have to embrace it. This is my life right now and there are many more changes to come around the corner. I still have my grand-daughter Amiah with me and and she is literally, the sunshine of my life. Sure its tough coming home after working all day and dealing with a 2 year old, but the smile she gives me every day makes it all worth it. Amy is trying to get clean and stay clean to take her back. I'm grateful for that and I'm grateful I'm able to have this precious child with me. I'm grateful for my friends and family who have helped me thru all of this. But I still wish, with all my heart, my husband could be here to witness his adorable grandchildren and the wonderful things they do and the wonderful people they are becoming. And I know his girls miss him desperately, as I miss my dad. I still miss him. I always will. And the girls will always miss their daddy every day of their life, but.... the saying is true. Life does go on. It does. And for that I am grateful.

Valentines Day

So this is the first year I've been without my love in 35 years. But I'm not crumbling. We never made a huge deal out of valentines day....no gifts. But usually a card came my way and Barry usually brought me flowers. He always made sure he got a card that said "Sweetheart" on it. Thats because he never used those terms of endearment with me. I was not "Sugar" or 'Honey" or "Lovey" or anything even close to that. He called me Jan. Period. Sometimes Hey You. Seriously, he just didn't call me anything special. So the very first time he got me a valentine that said "Sweetheart" on it in 1976 I was delighted. It was the only time he ever said that type of endearment. So this is the first time I don't get a sweetheart card from my sweetheart. But yet, I still have the love. It doesn't go away. So I can love him from here and know that he is always in my heart. I must have said "I love you" to him a million times since he died. I talk to him a lot. I tell him stuff I'm going through. As I tell it to Barry, I'm telling it to God as well. And my life is still changing.

My daughter Amy is not living with me anymore since I basically had to kick her out. She was using again. And heavily. My other daughter Laura and I found meth bags, meth pipes and syringes and needles in her room as well and a lot of other disgusting things. That room was a mess. She was not tending to Amiah, even when she was living with me. There was a huge blowup over a specific incident and I ordered her out. She took the baby with her (Amiah, almost 2 years old) which frightened me, but I had no control. I knew Amy would not be able to handle her for any length of time. She finally called my friend Stephanie who had told her to call her when she needed help and Stephanie came and got Amiah from her. Steph had her while I took a long planned trip to Boise to visit one of my best friends, Holly. Dear, sweet Holly let me just cry my eyes out over this during our visit. She does that so well.....just lets me cry and helps me thru it. Other than that little breakdown, we had a wonderful time hanging out and visiting, but this whole thing was like a little black cloud over our visit. So now I have Amiah and my amazing friends are again, coming to my rescue. Steph will take her a couple of days a week,(she is an angel!!) as will many of my other friends who have offered help so I can keep working. My friends are also helping me out with paperwork and crib mattresses and doing some leg-work for me so I can help my grand-daughter, who literally is the sweetest thing on the face of the earth. Have I mentioned how much I love my friends? I don't know if anyone is as blessed as I am with the amazing group of friends I have. It continually blows me away how wonderful they are.

I know that some people feel I am enabling Amy to live a life of partying and drug using and probably a portion of that is true. If Amy feels her daughter is safe, then she is free to party and do as she wants. My way of looking at it is I cannot punish my grand-daughter for the sins of the mother. Amy is going to use no matter what. I want Amiah safe and cared for. I can help her. I cannot help Amy if she does not want help. There are two ways of looking at this and the bottom line is I made a decision to help someone who is an innocent bystander of this demon drug use. I would do the same for any of my other grandchildren if their mother fell victim to this or had a horrible bout of depression or was suicidal or whatever. Addiction is an illness like anything else and requires a lot of help to get out of it. I just wish there was a pill or something to help as well, but there's not. Just good old fashioned will power. And turning to God. And I pray BIG time for my daughter Amy to be rid of this demon of drug use. I know she feels guilty and she does not like what she is doing, but right now she is powerless over its hold on her. I pray for the miracle of a "wake up call" for her. There is help out there if she seeks it. Over and over we have told her that. So for the moment, I am a grandparent, parenting again and so grateful for the help my friends and family have given me with this sweet little, almost 2 year old precious human. Please Amy, seek help. We love you and will not stop praying for you to see the light and remember what is important.....Amiah. Her life is precious and so is yours.

Walk Within You

A dear friend who recently lost her husband a little over a year ago found this "poem" by Nicholas Evans from "The Smoke Jumper." It touched my heart and brought me comfort. I thought I would post it on my blog. So beautiful.....

Walk Within You

If I be the first of us to die, Let grief not blacken long your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving. There is a change but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life, The dead live on forever in the living.
And all the gathered riches of our journey,The moments shared, the mysteries explored,
The steady layering of intimacy stored,The things that made us laugh or weep or sing,
The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
The wordless language of look and touch, The knowing,
Each giving and each taking
These are not flowers that fade, Nor trees that fall and crumble,
Nor are they stone,For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand
And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are.
What we had, we have.
A conjoined past imperishably present.
So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you,
Be still.
Close your eyes.
Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you.

---Nicholas Evans

Anatomy of a breakdown

Soooo, let me be clear. I do NOT like to cry. Never have. It gives me a monster headache. I have friends who cry so pretty....the tears just flow down their face and they can still speak normally. I call it "soap opera crying"....the people on TV cry so pretty. Their noses don't turn red or run like a spigot. They don't scrunch up their face and put their head in their hands and wail. They can just let the tears flow and still look nice. Not me. When I cry, I CRY. I look horrible, my face turns red, I screw up my face and I cannot speak to save my soul. I cannot walk or move. I even tend to frighten people with how hard I cry. And obviously I have done a lot of crying these days, though I try to do it all by myself when no one else is around. So when I had a complete breakdown last month, I really freaked out my mother and my kids and Michele and her daughter who happened to be there with me.

It all began right before we were headed to Disneyland before Christmas. Just got my new, adorable puppy Sophie. The house was chaos with all the kids and grandkids there, spending the night because we were getting up super early to leave. I went in to take a shower and when I came out, I could not find the puppy. We called and called her. Nothing. Checked outside.....she was nowhere. We were loading the van and I figured she had probably slipped out when a door was open while getting stuff in the van. We looked everywhere, in every nook and cranny in that house. In closets, under furniture, you name it. Then we started looking outside. By this time I was exhausted already. It was late and I started to cry. Not just tears, I mean CRY. I called my friend Michele who I knew would understand why I was so upset and when she heard me on the phone she immediately said, "I'm coming over." She has known me since 7th grade and knew if I was this upset, she needed to be there. Sure enough 20 minutes later she showed up with her daughter Katie and helped me look for Sophie. I was still a mess. I also called my mom, who upon hearing my voice said the exact same thing as Michele and she is only 2 blocks away, so within minutes she was at my side. I even had Julie's boyfriend checking in the drainage ditches for Sophie, bless his heart. Julie was trying everything she could to comfort me, and she and the girls stayed up alllll night long going to Kinkos to make copies of a Lost Dog poster to put up all around the neighborhood. Finally around midnight I was exhausted and inconsolable. I collapsed on my bed and cried and cried and cried.....sobbing hysterically. I couldn't handle it. My mother was holding my hand saying it would be okay, they would find the dog. Michele was on the bed with me saying the same thing. The kids were out in the living room, obviously upset hearing me go on and on and on. Finally, the left me alone to cry it out. My grandson Tobin, was in the room with me. He is 9 years old , and looooves his gramma. I couldn't even stop with him in the room, cuz I knew I was going to upset him. But you know....he laid on the bed next to me and just stroked my head, then hugged me and patted my back and said, "I understand Gramma. You're just so sad". Of course that made me cry harder. Bless his sweet soul. He was the one who finally calmed me down. I only slept for about an hour that night. As I got up at 4:00am to get the rest of the gang up to go to Disneyland, who should appear at my feet but Sophie! Again, collapsing in tears I go show my family that the dog has returned. Where she was, I will never know. We looked EVERYWHERE for her. The monster headache was still pounding in my head, but I knew my prayers had been answered. My mother later told me she had never prayed harder in her life than for that dog to return. So why the HUGE meltdown over a dog? It wasn't just the dog, obviously. It was for loss. Loss of my precious precious husband. Loss of my lifestyle that I had always known. Loss of the word "wife". Loss of my father who died on Christmas 1974. This was the first vacation I had taken without my husband. The first Christmas without him. But then.....all was made well in a matter of seconds. Sophie returned. My optimism returned. My smile returned, as did all the kids smiles as well. We went and had a wonderful time. I still hate to cry. But I do think it was necessary. I got a lot out that night, as awful as it was. I don't want to cry that hard again. It physically hurts. But with my tears came a renewed sense of spirit. God is still in His heaven. Disneyland is still magical. The sun still shines. Life will go on, just not as I expected, but it will go on. I know Barry would want that, and I want that too. I just miss him. Always will.

New Year

What a year it has been. I'm not going to re-hash any of it as you can read my blog and tell what last year brought me. I wanted to write yesterday as the year closed, but could not find the time. I was supposed to be off work, but ended up working a full 8 hours as it was crazy at work and patients needed to get home and get their medicines, so I ended up working, which was just fine. Mom invited me over for dinner, so went there, then went to Julie's for a bit, was invited to 2 other parties, but just ran out of steam. I ended up going to bed at 10 snuggled down with Sophie.....so glad I had her as she got herself lost the day before we went to Disneyland with the kids. That lead to a complete breakdown the night before. I was sure she had gotten out when a door was left open for a minute packing up the van. Walked up and down the street with a flashlight, kids were looking too in the freezing weather....looked in every corner I could think of in my house with a flashlight, closets, under furniture....called my mom and Michele in hysterics. Michele and mom came over and around midnight I was exhausted and sobbing hysterically ...totally inconsolable. My mom was so worried. The kids went to Kinkos at 2am to make posters and put them up all over the neighborhood. At 4am I got up, trying to figure out if I should go to Disneyland or stay home, when who appears at my feet....Sophie! Where she was, I will never know. If she came in the dog door, if she found a corner I didn't in the house....all I know is it was a miracle to me and I collapsed in yet more sobs calling to everyone I found her. What a night that was. The sobs were not only for Sophie, but for all the grief I had been carrying, the loss of my precious, precious husband, the grief that this is my first Christmas without him and my first Disneyland trip without him.....A lot of "firsts' this year and there will be "firsts" this year as well. Disneyland ended up being a wonderful thing for me to do on Christmas. It was focused on the kids and watching their precious faces and it truly was "the happiest place on earth" for them. Annika especially. Everything was beauty and wonder to her and she skipped thru Disneyland singing and dancing. What complete joy that was for me to watch. So much better than being at home staring at a Christmas tree with ornaments Barry and I had collected thru the years and knowing no one would get me gifts like he did. He knew my hearts desire and always got me wonderful gifts. A music box....a weekend away...a banjo... a gps...Yes a gps. I'm "directionally challenged" shall we say. I'm still learning how to find my way thru things, even with google maps. Alas, the gps went missing a month ago. But, my compass is still the same. Pointed toward the heavens. I talk to Barry a lot. It seems to calm me down. I cry when I talk to him and I miss the every day sharing and hand holding. We were big on holding hands and hugging. I miss that more than I can tell you. Last year, we were in Fort Ross near the ocean ringing in the new year. This year it began with taking the dog out to potty in wind and rain, then snuggling back down in bed to read the paper, drink coffee and treat my self to a boston cream pie toaster strudel and cuddling Sophie. This year will bring about many changes, I'm sure. I may lose my house, who knows what will happen with Barry's business,. Will I declare bankruptcy or not? Do I move this year? All I know is I will keep my eyes on Jesus first and foremost to help guide me and be my compass for the things ahead I cannot forsee. Let us pray that the new year brings joy and health to all of you. I cannot think of better blessings.