Being Grateful

Today, as I was getting ready for work and reflecting on this day in my life 4 years ago, I was struck by how different my life is now than when I envisioned what my life would be like 4 years ago.  Four years ago, I felt like my life had ended.  I remember so clearly the moment Barry passed away and I crumbled to the floor thinking in that very instant, my status went from married to widowed.  From having a husband, to being alone....no partner in life... having to mark either "single" on any form I filled out.  How would I go on?  What would I do?  Never having lived by myself, I was worried how I would do it because 33 years ago I went from my parents house to my husbands house.  What would I do about finances? Barry's business, life insurance etc.  So many things to do and worry about  .And my future?  What would that look like?  I saw a lonely future ahead of being the" fifth wheel" at all my friends houses when I was invited over, and always being the odd man out at weddings when everyone was slow dancing with their spouses and me looking on with tears in my eyes.  Never in my life would I have believed that 4 years later I would be married to another man whom I love so dearly, who loves me as much as a man could love a woman....that I would be living in a beautiful house on a golf course.....that I would have a wonderful life.  The point of all this is....we DON'T KNOW what life is going to bring us.  Just when things may seem hopeless, God knows and will be there.  Your life WILL get better.  There were a few years I didn't think that I could get through all that was happening in my life.  Barry was gone, finances were a mess, my daughter was a mess and I was raising my grand-daughter.....I wasn't sure if I could get through another day, but with God's help, and help from friends and family, I made it through.   YOU can make it through too.  It will get better.  Look to God and to your friends and family.  People are willing to help, you just have to "put it out there" , if you will.  I have learned so much in these last four years.  My life isn't perfect by any means and there will always be stress and rotten things that happen.  But I have a faith that sustains me, friends and family who love me and a God who is forever there for me.  For all of this, I am truly grateful.

Conflicted

Yup, I am feeling conflicted.  Today would have been Barry and my 37th wedding anniversary.  This is the first year I am married to my wonderful husband Donn and "celebrating" my anniversary with my late husband Barry.  How does one do this?  While I am so content and happy with my new husband, I don't ever want to forget what Barry and I had.  While my marriage to Barry was never perfect, it was a good marriage, especially the last eight years.  I am so grateful that we had those last, wonderful years together .....that we traveled some, and hardly ever argued about anything because we knew each other so well. I would hope everyone in a marriage would have those kind of years.  What a blessing!  And now.....now I am married to a wonderful man who loves and cherishes me as I love and cherish him.  One of the things I missed most after Barry passed away was the feeling of being cherished.  Once again, God has blessed me abundantly with a man who is wonderful to me in every way.  How is it possible to feel so happy and content, while still mourning the loss of my late husband?  How can I feel the love of my present husband and still feel the presence and love my my late husband?  I have "introduced" Donn to Barry.....taken him by the grave site where his picture is on the gravestone.  He has been so supportive of me when I do this, although he does admit its kind of awkward, and that he is a bit jealous of the loving relationship we had all those years, that he feels  he was cheated out of in his past.  So how do I reconcile these feelings?  Excellent question.  Anyone have an excellent answer?  All I can do, is feel what I feel...being thankful that I had a wonderful marriage to Barry and a wonderful marriage to Donn.  I still miss Barry.  I always will.....how could you NOT miss that goofy, generous guy?  He will be in my thoughts today as I contemplate what I had with him and as I feel love and gratefulness for the marriage I have today.  Happy anniversary Barry.....you were so loved in your lifetime.  I will see you in heaven.   Thank you Donn, for loving me and being in my life.  Most importantly, all glory goes to God for His ever present love in time of need and in times of joy.  Conflicted? yes.  Loved? yes.  Grateful, yes yes and yes. God is good, all the time.  ALL the time.