Giving Thanks

In 1 Thessalonians 5:18 we are directed in the Bible to give thanks in all circumstances. ALL circumstances....not just the good ones. Hard concept? you bet. But as I see it, God is not telling me to give thanks because my husband is gone, but to give thanks because I have the blessed assurance of knowing where he is and where I will be when I pass away from this world. Death is a part of life, and I know that, and I will miss my precious Barry forever. Not a day goes by that I don't yearn for him in some measure....whether its to come and tell me whats wrong with my car, for a hug, to share a funny story with....its very hard, especially during the holidays. But in the circumstances surrounding Barry's death and passing, I have been extremely blessed by wonderful family and friend support, support at work with my boss and co-workers. My friends husbands have come by to do my "honey-do" chores at the house, such as cupboard doors that were falling off, to cleaning my gutters, hanging pictures, moving furniture around, re-programing the TV remote....all those things I have issues doing. When my husband was in his last days, I whispered to him more than once, "I'll be okay honey, I promise. I'll have help. Its okay to fly to Jesus"....and I meant it. My daughter Julie promised him to help me with all things electronic and bless her heart, she has. My sister, her daughter and family came out this past week to spend Thanksgiving with us and what a blessing that is. My niece has 5 children and that alone keeps you distracted. Her youngest daughter was baptized this past Sunday and what a joy that was. The god-parents had 5 children as well and combined with Kimberly's kids and my 5 grandchilrend there was a grand total of 15 children in my moms house for the party afterward. My mother should be made a saint for all of that....she has been such a support to me. But I truly feel Barry's presence still. The other day I had such a vivid dream about him it set me back for a bit. We were in bed, reading the paper and drinking coffee like we loved to do on Saturday mornings and he rolled over and hugged me. I could actually feel his skin, the rough patch on his back where he had radiation and that hug felt so wonderful. When I woke up, I started to cry and pretty much continued throughout the day. There have been other times too, and I believe the very first time was during his memorial service. For those of you who don't know, at the end of the service, I got up to thank everyone for coming and for being such a support to me and I started to sing a stanza from the song "Shout to the Lord"....Do NOT know where that came from. I am a singer, for sure, but during the service I had been sobbing particularly hard during one song , "Awesome God" which was Barry's favorite and was barely holding it together during the rest of the service. The other thing you may not know is that my husband could NOT sing. At all. Wanted to all his life, tried out for glee club only to be rejected soundly. He used to say he sang in the key of "r" for "really rotten". But he sang anyway. Loud and proud. I got used to it, his total off key renditions of any song he sang. So when I busted out with this song at the end of the service, I believe it was Barry's spirit combined with the Holy Spirit, letting me know all was well, he was in heaven and finally got the singing voice he always yearned for and was singing with all the hosts of heaven. Barry is safe and completely whole and for that I will give thanks. For family and friends, I will give thanks.....but mostly for my Lord God, Savior and friend who has never left me and will always hold me up. For He is:

"My comfort, my shelter

Tower of refuge and strength.

Let every breath, all that I am

Never cease to worship you.

Shout to the Lord all the earth let us sing

Power and majesty praise to the King

Mountains bow down and the seas will roar

At the sound of your name.

I sing for joy at the work of your hands

Forever I'll love you forever I'll stand.

Nothing compares to the promise I have in You."

The Circle of Life

Yes, I know its corny, but its true. There is a circle of life. As one beautiful soul left this planet, a new beautiful soul entered in 2 months later. Eva Elizabeth arrived on 11-3-10, born to Laura and Mike. It was a difficult birth, but my daughter was a champ, pushing thru the blinding pain for hours to give her little daughter life. Little Eva was in what they call "military position", which means her little chin wasn't tucked down. I told Laura it was because daddy was whispering to her to keep her chin up in life and Eva took it quite literally. Laura's labor kind of reminded me of myself and a different kind of pain, and how I am pushing through it. And at times it is blinding. I likened it one day to an ocean of grief....how you sometimes are able to dog paddle and sometimes you are sucked down by the undertow and you have to fight your way to the top to breathe again. Since I seemed to be getting sucked down a lot, I finally called my doctor and have started some anti-depressants which seem to keep me on a little more even keel. Not quite so many undertows, or I've learned to use some water wings, one or the other. I still miss him every day, and talk to him every day. I've learned how to sleep more toward the middle of the bed, but I still keep one of his flannel shirts wrapped around his pillow, so I can still smell it. Sometimes it makes things better, sometimes it makes the grief worse. It depends on the day. But with all the dark, rainy days coming up and all the holidays, I just felt like I should do something to stave off cold, stark depression that seemed to be getting a grip on me. On the surface, I seem to be doing okay, but its like the old adage about the duck, who seems to glide effortlessly on the surface, but is paddling like mad underneath. There are days when I haven't cried, which is amazing to me. I'm still sad, but the tears don't flow as much as they used to. Doesn't mean I don't miss him, I do. Terribly. Always will. Miss the cheerful hello on the other end of the phone when I called him every day on the way home from work. Miss the hugs, the cuddling, the talking to someone at the end of the day about how things went at work, and just plain loneliness at night. But it IS getting better....little by little, day by day. Baby Eva's arrival seemed to help a bit. I'm anxious to see her little personality shine through and see if she has any of her grampa's traits. For now, I'm grateful for the circle of life. For life. Period.