Commencment

At this time of year there are many graduations, commencements, new beginnings. That is also true for me. I am commencing upon a new phase in my life. Again, not what I planned at all, but this is the way it is. I have been silent on this blog for awhile because there have been soooo many changes in my life, and not very easy ones at that. I will have to move from my house. I will have to give up a dog. I will have to go bankrupt. I will have to close my husbands business. Those are all HUGE things all by themselves and I have to do all of these at once. I am moving from my house because it has been foreclosed on and will be sold on the 15th of this month at auction. On the advice of my bankruptcy attorney I am going to purchase a mobile home for around 60K with the life insurance money. I will pay cash for it and just pay rent on the land. That will be do-able for me with my income. Renting in this area is expensive. For a decent 2 bedroom place it will run me $1200 per month at least. So this way my rent will be under $1000. But I had to apply to live at a mobile home park and they only allow one dog. One. And I have two . My 12 year old Corgi AJ who has been with us for 8 years and whose back legs don't work. He kind of "army crawls" around the house, but is not in any pain and is a generally happy dog and still has all his functions, other than walking normally. How do I give him up? And then there is Sophie, who is 9 months old and my therapy dog.....I got her to sleep with me so there will be another living thing breathing next to me in bed. She is adorable.....how do I give her up? I don't know what I am going to do. Common sense says I need to give AJ to someone else because Sophie is my therapy. But who wants a 12 year old dog that can't walk? And I can't give up my therapy dog. She is such a help to me when I'm feeling lousy. Its literally "Sophie's Choice" in my house right now. So I am praying on these matters.

The other thing is the Car Doctor has closed. That was MUCH harder than I expected it to be. I went down there to gather some personal things and found I was crying so hard I couldn't concentrate. That shop was the very essence of Barry. I still expect him to come around the corner of that shop and greet me. It smells like him. This was his baby and he was sooo proud of it. He built that shop.....from starting as a mobile mechanic to renting another small shop to this beautiful shop. But there is no more money. No more business. Without him, the business simply ceased. All the stuff in there will go toward the bankruptcy to pay off the debts. I will most likely have to give up my car, because the car the courts will let me have has to have a value of less than $3000. My car is worth more than that. There are too many good-byes these days and I am getting overwhelmed. I feel like Barry is being erased somehow with all the stuff I have to give up. The home that we wanted to retire in. his dog, his shop, his clothes, his shoes....I know he will never be erased in my heart, but that's the way I feel and the grief is rising up anew in me. I was doing so well, and now the tears are flowing unabated once again. But my dear "son" Ryan texted me and said that these things are like a broken bone that needs to be re-set in order to heal properly. It is not without pain, but in the end, there will be healing. And as he also said, I have a very good Doctor. Indeed I do. I realize that I am blessed in so many areas and I am better off than others. But it is still painful. And I have a "death grip" on my Lords hand as He guides me along. I will post pictures of my new place soon. In the meantime, I cherish your prayers as I travel on in this new life of mine. This is a commencement of sorts. I will begin a new chapter in my life.....on my own.