Coming up for air

Breathe. Breathe. I feel like I've been sucked into ocean of grief. Plunged in with no air supply. Must fight to breathe, only to have to feel your lungs exploding until you finally, finally struggle to the surface to take in a quick breath, only to find yourself tugged down by the ankles again to the abyss of grief. Since I last wrote, we have had the memorial service and what a service it was. Attended by 386 people, packed, packed church with the most awesome music by my praise team. Barry was honored, God was glorified which is what we wanted. My friends have been so incredibly amazing I cannot even begin to find the words to honor them. My sister, staying by my side, sleeping in my bed, holding my hand. My friend Holly from Boise coming out to hold me up, also sleeping in my bed so I would not feel so alone, gently and tenderly leading me through the worst moments of my life....Michele and my church friends (I call them my posse) calling me daily, coming by almost daily, calling, texting, e-mailing me....cards upon cards....so many I had to get a giant basket to hold them all. People have come forward with money and offers of help around the house and to take me out to lunch.....its incredible the amount of love I have been shown. When I whispered to Barry before he died, I said' Its okay honey, I have help. People will help me. It's okay to go. I love you , I love you , I love you"....I didn't even have a clue how much help I had. I took 4 weeks off of work to deal with the amazing amount of paperwork you have to do when someone dies and also, apparently, I am now the business owner of The Car Doctor. ....wow. There is also a staggering amount of debt to deal with, which is why Barry said he was not ready to go. I know he wanted to get this in order before he passed, but he went sooo quickly. None of us were prepared for him to deteriorate this fast....least of all him. But I have had help with that as well and none of this is going to go away easily or quickly. This will be a very long, long ordeal. So, I am thanking God for the wonderful friends and family who have stuck by my side and keep calling and texting and e-mailing to see how I am. How am I?..... hmmmm. Good question. Grief is a funny animal. Somedays I feel strong and feel like I can handle being alone. Then those are those other days....the days when I feel like I'm mired in mud. Going forward is a HUGE effort and you have all this stuff stuck to your shoes that doesn't seem to go away, even after you wash them with oceans of tears. I cry every morning when I wake up, because I used to roll over and hug him every morning before I got up. I cry every night going to bed because the bed feels huge and empty. I cry on the way to work just because I can. Then came sad news that my Uncle Bill passed away very suddenly two weeks ago and that hit like a ton of bricks. Then another member of our congregation's husband, also named Barry, died of pancreatic cancer the end of September. Grief, grief everywhere. This other Barry was diagnosed a month after Barry. This past weekend we commemorated my Barry on his birthday by going out on his boat on Friday, with Ryan (our "son"), leading the way and toasting him on his would be 54th birthday. Sad, yet joyful. Then Saturday went to my Uncle Bills memorial and while it was wonderful to catch up with the cousins and my Aunt Judy, saw pictures of long ago when my dad was alive and my gramma Howard too.....memories galore. Sad and poignant and some laughter as well. Then on Sunday went to Barry Baums service and the new widow and I exchanged sad, yet knowing looks and promised to have lunch with each other soon. We both know how awful this September has been. I'm still waiting until I can laugh with abandon again. Still waiting "til I can sleep thru the night without pharmaceutical help. Still waiting until I get to heaven for that joyful reunion with the love of my life....until then, I will breathe.....breathe....breathe.

Battle lost, Battle won

The love of my life slipped into Jesus arms on Thursday September 2 ,2010. On Monday night he had a terrible night of vomiting all night long. In the morning I called the doctor and and said he needed some hydration. With my my moms help, we barely got him into the car and he even vomited in the car. With the help of a wheelchair we got him to the infusion suite where the nurses got one look at him, got him into a bed and called the doctor. The doctor came in, looked at him and beckoned me out of the room and said simply "he's dying". Then he went into Barry and told him gently but firmly, "my friend, you are dying". Barry looked at him in disbelief and said "So its come to that?" The doctor nodded. They hooked him up to some hydration and some anti- nausea medicine, made him comfortable and kept him overnight in the hospital where he was barrraged by visitors coming in to see him. A friend of ours looked him in the eye and asked "Do you know what is happening to you?" He said, " I'm dying". She asked him if he was afraid. He nodded. She asked if he knew where he was going. He nodded. She asked if he was afraid for those around him. He again nodded. After everyone left and I spent the night with him in that hospital room, I kept assuring him I would be okay. The girls would be okay....the grandkids, parents, sister, everyone.....we would all be okay. And if he heard the voice of Jesus calling him, it was okay to repsond. He was non responsive all night. We were able to take him home on Wednesday with hospice and he seemed to be much more relaxed being at home. My sister, my beloved sister and her daughter Kim changed thier flight plans and was able to meet me at my house on Wednesday when he came home. My sister and I spent the night with him, taking turns sleeping on the couch. He actually gave me two kisses first thing in the morning. After that, he was non responsive again. His sister arrived that afternoon. By a little after 6 I noticed his breathing had slowed considerably and that there was more time in between breaths. I told his parents it could be anytime. I called the girls in from the garage where they were talking. Between his parents, sister, me and the girls, we were all with him, holding his hands, stroking his arms, hair, feet, whatever we could touch.....and he took his last breath. I said, "he's gone". ....stood there for a minute while the girls wept uncontrollably they I let go with wail that was so uncharaceristic of me.....screamed from the depths of my soul and collapsed in a heap on the ground. Helpless to stand. I have felt grief before. I lost my maternal grandfather when I was 9, my paternal grandmother when I was 13, my father when I was 17, my grandmother when I was in my 40's....but this....this. This is unlike any grief I have ever felt in my soul. Gut wrenching, soul twisting, undefinable grief. A chapter was now closed. I was no longer a wife, I was a widow. I no longer had a partner to cling to and snuggle with and help pay bills to hold my hand when I was scared. People kept saying "he's out of pain, he is at rest". I know that. I KNOW he is with Jesus in heaven, beyond a shadow of a doubt. But right now, the pain of NOT having him here with me superceeds all of that right now. I cannot pray....I just cry out to God to help me, help me help me. I cannot do this. He lost the battle with cancer and he kept saying he was not ready to go. He was still planning a fishing trip in October. But the battle was won between Satan and God. He is with God and Satan has lost . Barry is in heaven and well and I pray he was looking down on us this morning with love and all his kids and grandkids were in church trying to support me. That was a miracle in itself. Julie and girls spent the night and Tobin got up in the morning and found one of his grampas shirts and wore it to church. When the Pastor was talking about how Barry was now in heaven, Tobin just began to cry and cry and cry. His mom took him out....it was just too much for him. I had to step out as well. But then we sang one of my favorite songs, a song that we will sing at his celebration, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord". How we still praise Him. How there is still joy in unbearable sorrow. I'm not going to be "happy" for a long while, but I can still find joy. It is still there. The joy of the Lord is my strength. My love is not with me, beside me anymore and before he went I must have kissed him a million times. The shell of him is gone and he has a new body a new mansion and a joy that surpasses anything we can even imagine. For now, I will soldier on alone, with loving friends and family to help thru the way....to hold me up when I cannot bear it. I still trust Him. And I will see my love again and he will wait for me. Until that day, I will continue to trust. I will continue to love. And I will continue to find joy even amidst the copious tears that are wept every day and thru the nights. The battle has been lost, yet ulitmatley, won, all because of Jesus and His love for us. And in that, there is joy.