Survival

It's been one year. One loooong year. I never thought I would survive this, but I have. This week has been difficult for me because you don't have an "anniversary" like this without thinking back on how it was a year ago. I re-read some of my blog and boy did the feelings and emotions all come back in a surge. The heaviness of heart. The crushing agony of grief. The primal cry I gave out when he took his last breath and how I sunk to the floor and couldn't move. The tears that would not stop no matter where I was or who I was with. But I have learned a lot also from this. I've learned that I can manage to do things without him, though not as easily. I still hate taking the trash cans to the curb, but of course I can do it. Thats the easy one. I still hate having to figure out financial stuff, but I can do it. I've learned I can buy a house and manage it on my own. I've learned how to sleep in the middle of the bed. For months I slept huddled on one side of the bed and when I woke, I would invariably have tears . I also slept with his flannel shirt wrapped around his pillow for months. When it stopped smelling like him, I put it away. I have kept his wedding ring on a chain around my neck to keep it close to my heart. I've learned who my real friends are and who help me no matter what and guess what? Thats all of them. Seriously. Isn't that a huge blessing? I've also thought back on our marriage and realized that I had what some people only dream of having....a true soul mate. We had our issues and struggles and it obviously wasn't easy. But the bottom line is that man loved me with his whole heart and I loved him with my whole heart right back. We learned from each other, we listened, we cared. I put his happiness ahead of mine and he put mine ahead of his. I miss feeling so loved. I miss being cherished and cherishing him. But life invariably goes on. There have been so many changes in my life this past year, especially moving to a new place. But through it all God has provided. He has been faithful. I know there are more hurdles to overcome still and I'm trying not to think too far ahead. I'm trying to take things day by day, step by step. After work , I'm going up to his graves site with some friends where we will remember him together, pray and perhaps sing a hymn or two. Then we will go to dinner and drink a toast to his memory... to that beautiful, generous, goofy soul who always tried to do what was right, gave until it hurt and then gave some more. To that loving husband, son, father, grandfather and friend who I know, without a shadow of a doubt is in heaven waiting for me. And while he is waiting he is visiting with his beloved grandfathers and grandmothers and his dog Madchen who was eagerly awaiting his arrival with a "a-rooo-roooo-rooo!" and a tail wagging that wiped all the bric a brac off the coffee tables. But he is there. And I will see him again. And there in lies my comfort. Thank you Jesus for salvation and heaven. And thank you Lord, from the bottom of my heart, for Barry.