The bonds of sisterhood

The bonds of sisterhood are wonderful and weird at the same time. I have one sister...thats it. No brothers. When we were growing up together (at only 16 months apart) we played together and also hated each other. We were complete opposites. My sister didn't like being hugged and touched, I craved it. My sister played with dinosaurs and horse statues. I played with barbies and baby dolls. When we got older, my sister was a definite "hippie" type and I was a band nerd and super geek. But we also had things in common. We both sang and played musical instruments. In fact, one of my most treasured memories is playing the recorders together and struggling through "Awake thou Wintry Earth" and also me playing guitar and Sue playing piano and ripping it up playing "Classical Gas".....that was SO fun. One thing that my sister was obsessive about was getting a horse. She wanted one SO badly but financially my family just couldn't swing it. So finally when she was in 8th grade, my parents got her a dog named Sonny. They had a wonderful bond, but of course, my sister grew up, got married, moved, then divorced etc. The dog stayed at my mom's. So as much as my sister would have loved to have the dog with her, it wasn't feasible. So after a time, she got her very first Sheltie....her first dog that was totally hers....Dusty. I remember going with her picking him out here in Santa Rosa. A whole barn full of little Sheltie furballs. What fun that was. She picked out this little guy and those two were on their own. That was 17 years ago. Two days ago she finally had him put to sleep. Of course she cried, but the weird thing was: I cried. A lot. I never lived with this dog or anything and my sister has lived in Missouri for the last 11 years. I hardly ever get to see this dog or have any bond with him, really....except that my sister was sad....which makes ME sad. See how this bond thing works? When she weeps, I weep and vice versa. When she is happy, so am I. When she feels scared, I get scared and sometimes we don't even know it. She will just call me with some sort of feeling that she has and oddly, I will be having that same feeling. So when I found out that she finally had to put her precious first Sheltie to sleep I started to cry and pretty much kept crying throughout the day. Silly? maybe. But its a sister bond that I cherish. Dusty, you were a very special dog to my sister, and apparently to me too. Because you were a part of my sister and a part of her heart....therefore you were a part of mine too. See how life is? We are all connected on this earth. I love you my sister. We are a part of each other. Its the bond of sisterhood.

Disneyland!

Yup, I did it. I went to the happiest place on earth with my best friend and did we ever have a blast. What a totally fun vacation. It's been years since Michele and I went somewhere together. The last time I believe was when we went to Missouri together to see my sister in 2008. We had a LOT of fun there too, but this....well, it was just downright awesome. We drove down and there was very little traffic, which is great all by itself. Our hotel was really nice too, within walking distance of D-land but I have to tell you....even in really really good shoes, your feet hurt. You walk at least 5 miles a day around Disneyland and California Adventure and even the best of shoes will make your tooties scream after awhile. I had good athletic shoes and also my trusty, tried and true Keens which I love that I switched back and forth and let me tell you my dogs were barking at the end of every day. But its a small price to pay for screamingly fun rides, deep fried goodness in the form of beignets, and awesome shows. AND one of my favorite shows was actually doing some filming there at the Dumbo ride. Modern Family! We caught a glimpse of "Jay", "Gloria" , "Mitchell" and "Lilly" filming there and it was so cool to watch. Sophia Vergara is much tinier in person. She looks tall in the show, but she is pretty tiny. We saw her and "Manny" flying on Dumbo and watched the filming process. I got a couple of pictures but they kept us pretty far away and you can only see these guys if I enlarge one part of the picture. But that was way cool to watch.

Another bonus for us, but not so much for a ton of other people is that on Saturday, we had a pass to get into the park an hour early before it opened, along with a lot of other people. So we got up early and marched on over and arrived there about 7:10am, went inside and made a beeline for the big rides....Splash Mountian, Space Mountain, Indiana Jones etc.... We kept going on rides and noticed that the park was still pretty empty. Then Michele had a friend who was also going to Disneyland and she texted us that they were locked out of Disneyland....a suspicious package was found in the trees outside the park, so everyone was evacuated from the front gates . SERIOUSLY?? We texted back that we were inside already going on all the rides and having fun. We kept asking the workers inside what was going on but they just kept saying" Oh, its just a slow morning...." Okay, we knew better than that. Obviously they were told to just say nothing and act as if everything is normal. So for a good 3 1/2 hours we enjoyed a nearly empty park alllll to ourselves and went on everything. We went on all the rides in Fantasyland, even the teacups and Pinocchio and the little kid rides and went to Pixie Hollow and hung out with the fairies there....you name it, we probably went on it. By the time the thundering herds were let in around 11am, we were done. We went and had something to eat and shopped and went back to the hotel to cool down our feet....awesome. Turns out the person who put the "package" in the tree was from Rohnert Park....where I work. He was just trying to give a little affirmation to a cheerleading squad that was competing down there. He didn't realize he caused all this hullabaloo. Not cool dude. Don't mess the Disneyland. I felt bad for all the parents out there trying to calm down their little ones who got up super early to go have some fun and then had to hang out for over 3 hours trying to enterain the little ones....yeah that had to have been awful. Glad it wasn't me. I can't believe we caught such a lucky break! They cancelled the famous fireworks on Friday and Saturday due to too much static in the air, so on Saturday we saw Fantasmic! which was incredible, Saturday night we saw the World of Color over at California Adventure and oh my , that was worth the price of admission alone. Absolutely incredible show that I really can't describe....you just have to see it. And Sunday night they did the fireworks which was wonderful as well. So we got it all. And the drive home was a piece of cake too. I'm so glad that I had the chance to just go let loose and have some fun. Oh! and got to have my very first taste of whipped cream vodka. Not a vodka girl at all, but I'm telling you when you add some orange juice to this it tastes like a 50/50 bar, or a creamsicle. VERY very tasty. And nice to have it at the end of a looooong day walking. Did I mention I slept great?? yeahhhh.....

I'm doing okay!

Its been a looong time since I've updated my blog and I figured I would let all of you know how I was doing. Guess what? I'm doing okay! People are right, it does get better. Of course I still miss Barry. That will never end. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life because I will have constant reminders of him thru my kids and grandkids. Even now, little 3 year old Amiah asks for her Papa. Even she remembers him, as little as she was when he received his crown of life. But my little house feels like my home and I am comfortable there and feel safe. I am dealing with allllll the financial stuff. I don't like it, but I'm doing it. I'm taking a mini vacation with my best friend Michele to Disneyland next week. We decided we needed something to look forward to, so this is it! Just for a couple of days but hey, its a vacation right? So I will write again and let you know how that goes and maybe post some pictures of my mini vacation. Amy is out of rehab, and has been clean and sober for 5 months now and is doing well. She is in a Sober Living Environment and finding out that "real life" is a bit stressful when you don't always have drugs to retreat into. But she still says its WAY better than her drug days. Thank you Lord for that. Julie and Laura seem to be doing fine as well. My grandkids are great, they love me and I love them, my friends are faithful, God is faithful....and right now its 78 degrees outside. Wow. In the middle of February. Yes, we need rain, but I just want to go outside in the middle of the day and lay in the grass and let the sun hit my face. And I will enjoy the rain when it gets here. I love rain and winter and being cozy. Summer heat.....not so much. Although I am grateful for my little tiny air conditioner in my house. At least provides a bit of relief. So, yes it does get easier, bit by bit. We'll see what plans God has for me. I'm taking everything day by day and trusting in my awesome God to lead me to the next chapter(s) in my life. For right now....I'm okay!

This has not been an easy year......

That's an understatement. This has been an incredibly tough year for me. This is the first full year I've lived without my husband. I lost my house to foreclosure and moved into a manufactured home. I live by myself....for the very first time ever. My daughter used my debit card to steal thousands of dollars from me to support her drug habit. I raised Amiah by myself for a few months while my daughter was homeless. Yet, as awful as all of that was, I was blessed a thousand times over this year as well. I went to hang out with my friend Holly in Boise in February and that was a HUGE blessing. Just having a wonderful friend like that to just do a whole lot of nothing with, and feel comfortable doing nothing was great. I also went to see my sister in Missouri in the summer along with my precious niece Kim and my sister treated us both like royalty taking us to dinner and going to get pedicures and massages.....I'm still thinking about how great my toes looked! I also took a huge load of friends to Pismo Beach for my first anniversary without Barry and oh my did we have a good time!! I had one of my best belly laughs ever playing "Apples to Apples" with that bunch of women. I also had tears of rememberance, but it was softened by having my friends with me. I also went down to visit my niece in December to see her and the kids and my sister was there visiting as well. That was a quick trip, but so very very nice. Amy is in re-hab and seems to be doing very well. Patrick James was born in December and of course that was a huge blessing. I feel safe in my new little home and I have my sweet, silly puppy Sophie who is constantly entertaining. So I am looking forward to this next year being a bit better. Not quite as gut-wrenching. I wish all of you the happiest of new years and may blessings abound on us all!

Not feeling it

Its been a long time since I posted anything. I've been doing okay. Thanksgiving was great, although Kim and the kids were not there this year, which was sad. But my girls and their families were and that was wonderful . We started a new tradition this year and did a Thanksgiving Tablecloth where we all wrote on it with a sharpie saying what we were thankful for that year. Then we'll bring it out next year and so on and so on. How I wish we could have started this tradition when Barry was alive. I would have loved to have looked back on what he was thankful for. And my daughter Julie finally gave birth to precious little Patrick. He is adorable and mellow and its so great to have a newborn in the family again. It was a quick birth....very very very quick. She almost had him in the car. If Danny hadn't had scooped her up and carried her into the birthing center she would have had him in the car. I'm grateful for that, as he had the cord wrapped around his neck and needed and his heart rate was pretty slow. But all is great, Patrick is great as is Julie, Danny, Tobin, Aiden, Annika and Piper (Danny's daughter). Phew!!

As for the "not feeling it" title of my post, its cuz I'm just not into Christmas this year. I'm unorganized and not even hardly started on shopping for everyone. Don't even have many ideas. I did not put up a Christmas tree in my little place this year because, 1. I don't really have a spot for one, 2. I don't want to get a real tree and wrassle it all by myself into the house and put it in the stand, 3. I don't want to buy a fake tree and 4. I don't want to get all those beautiful ornaments out that Barry and I put on the tree every year and I don't want to get all the stockings out because I can't fill Barry's anymore and he isn't around to fill mine.....Amy is in re-hab with Amiah, so why bother? It would just make me sad to look at the tree all by myself. Since I "ran away" to Disneyland last year, this is really my first REAL Christmas without Barry. I'm acutally doing okay by myself. But at times like this, missing Barry becomes more acute. I'm going to try and go on a mini -vacation with my best friend in January or February just to have something to look forward to. Disneyland again maybe, or San Diego or who knows....just something. I was talking to another friend of mine who lost her husband 2 years ago and she and I have another in thing in common: We want to go sky-diving! Barry was always freaking out about me wanting to do that, so I didn't, because I didn't want to upset him or have him worry. But now.....well, we are gonna try it together in the spring/summer. So thats something I am looking forward to. I also had a nice little mini-vacation down to Murietta, CA where my niece and her family live and, bonus: my sister was there visiting from Missouri and ,double bonus: my Aunt Bonny was throwing her annual Christmas party and I havent' seen her in years and years. So I got a lot in on the few days I was down there. It was sooooo good to see my niece's kiddo's and hang out with my sister. We had a blast (although my sis wasn't happy sharing a room with me because apparently I have developed a snoring habit.) I NEVER snored like that in my life. I was always a quiet, quiet sleeper. I didn't snore like that when I visited my sister in Missouri in the summer.....so what happened since then? geez. Apparently I could give a buzz saw a run for its money. *sigh*

Anwyay, I'm grateful for my precious new little grandson, I am grateful for my family that is there when I need them (and my moms delicious Thanksgiving dinner....she rocks!) and I am focusing on all my blessings instead of wallowing in lonlieness without Barry. I'll get thru it....I always do, with help from my great big God. I have to remember : instead of telling God how big my storms are, to tell my storms how big my GOD is. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Time marches on

Soooo....I haven't updated my blog in awhile, so I figured I better get on it. Things have been moving right along which is a good thing I guess. I am settling into my new home. Its beginning to feel more like home lately. My entire family (except for Amy of course who is in rehab right now, thank you God) went to celebrate Barry's parents 61st wedding anniversary and Wayne's 80th birthday the first weekend in October. It was the first time I have been up there visiting since Christmas 2009. The in-laws have come here many times so I have seen them, but I haven't been up there since then. Frankly, I didn't want to drive up there by myself and I didn't want to stay there by myself with them. I love my in-laws with all my heart but I knew I would have a serious heartbreak being there without Barry. So this weekend was a great thing because there was lots of diversion and we all stayed in a funky little "motel"....more like cabins in McKinnleyville. They had little kitchens and room for families in these cabins and I thought they had a lot of charm. We had a little campfire there in the evenings where we roasted marshmallows and talked with all the kids and caught up with all the cousins and in-laws etc. The party itself was great and I even sang at Wayne's church during the service with my daughter. I love singing with her and we dont' do it nearly enough. So the weekend was wonderful and it allowed me be there and not have toooo much heartbreak. I must confess, during the party, I kept looking for Barry. It was very strange. We had a little table with his picture on it for a "memorial" for him since it would have been his 55th birthday. The weekend after I got home I had a "mini-meltdown". I looked at my new home and thought "How did I get here? What just happened in my life?" It felt like I had been taken out of my old life and plopped down in this new one. I acutely missed Barry again, like this was brand new. But the good news is....it passed quickly....like within hours. I guess I am getting on with life. I'm grateful Amy is in re-hab and I hope this time it sticks. I'm under no illusions, but I am hopeful. There is always hope. Little Amiah seems to be doing very well, though I miss that little cutie pie so much! I get to have her for a few hours every other weekend and that helps my lonliness. Julie is due to deliver little Patrick James next month doing well and Laura is also well and healthy as is baby Eva. The grandkids are all good, I have my health. There is so much in life to be grateful for. Time does help heal, and I am looking forward to Thanksgiving with family and the smell of turkey filling the house and me, covered in grandchildren and hugs....have I mentioned I love my family? God is good and I am good. It all works out.

Grief of a different sort

So now, its been a little over a year since Barry's death and I've had all my "firsts". Except this one: I found out thru a series of events which I won't bore you with, that my middle daughter had been stealing my ATM card, (obviously she found out my pin #) and had been stealing thousands of dollars from my account, bit by bit over the last couple of months. She very effectively hid the bank statements from me because she got the mail and knew I probably wouldn't ask about them since the majority of the fraud was the month I moved to my new place and closed Barry's shop etc. I was a little overwhelmed to say the least and scrutinizing my bank statement was about the last thing on my mind. I had NO clue. None. I did not suspect a thing until a certain event led me to check my account. Its a God thing, is all I can say. So the bottom line is she is not living with me anymore nor will she ever again. I had Amiah (her 2 year old) for a week and my wonderful, amazing friends helped me once again babysitting her (thank you thank you thank you!!) while I was working. When I found out the extent of the fraud I sat down on the floor and cried buckets and buckets of tears. Betrayed. By my own daughter who was obviously on drugs again. And THAT made me cry just as hard. When I asked her why she just cried and said "I don't know". But here's the good thing. I told her that this was the very, very last straw and that if she didn't call Womens Recovery Service (which is a great in-patient program that takes moms and kids) I would send her to jail. I would bring her up on charges and make sure she was prosecuted. I'm still considering it. It depends on a few things and I need to get some good advice regarding this. She entered the rehab on her own and she will be there for 4 months as an in- patient. She admitted her guilt and seemed to want to do better. I'm not putting all my hopes into this, as she has been in re-hab before and relapsed and I was hurt yet again by the theft of some things in my house. But I am praying mightily and have others praying as well that she find a Christian friend in there to help her. Rehab can be a nightmare of viciousness, jealousy, pettiness etc when you throw a bunch of insecure women together. I pray that she find the Lord thru all of this because she cannot do this by herself. Her dad had a problem with alcohol for years but overcame it with help from rehab, AA and his love and dedication to the Lord and his family. Amy needs God's help to pull her through this. So I ask all of you to pray for Amy, for her salvation, for her strength to get through this and to completely change her life. I'm doing okay thru all of this, but I'm not gonna lie, this hurt badly. But I have learned a lot as well. God allowed this to take place for a reason and I will follow His lead. So I continue on in this journey of life by myself. Its not easy, but there are still blessings to be had.