A dear friend who recently lost her husband a little over a year ago found this "poem" by Nicholas Evans from "The Smoke Jumper." It touched my heart and brought me comfort. I thought I would post it on my blog. So beautiful.....
Walk Within You
If I be the first of us to die, Let grief not blacken long your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving. There is a change but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life, The dead live on forever in the living.
And all the gathered riches of our journey,The moments shared, the mysteries explored,
The steady layering of intimacy stored,The things that made us laugh or weep or sing,
The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
The wordless language of look and touch, The knowing,
Each giving and each taking
These are not flowers that fade, Nor trees that fall and crumble,
Nor are they stone,For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand
And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are.
What we had, we have.
A conjoined past imperishably present.
So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you,
Be still.
Close your eyes.
Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you.
---Nicholas Evans
Friday, January 21, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Anatomy of a breakdown
Soooo, let me be clear. I do NOT like to cry. Never have. It gives me a monster headache. I have friends who cry so pretty....the tears just flow down their face and they can still speak normally. I call it "soap opera crying"....the people on TV cry so pretty. Their noses don't turn red or run like a spigot. They don't scrunch up their face and put their head in their hands and wail. They can just let the tears flow and still look nice. Not me. When I cry, I CRY. I look horrible, my face turns red, I screw up my face and I cannot speak to save my soul. I cannot walk or move. I even tend to frighten people with how hard I cry. And obviously I have done a lot of crying these days, though I try to do it all by myself when no one else is around. So when I had a complete breakdown last month, I really freaked out my mother and my kids and Michele and her daughter who happened to be there with me.
It all began right before we were headed to Disneyland before Christmas. Just got my new, adorable puppy Sophie. The house was chaos with all the kids and grandkids there, spending the night because we were getting up super early to leave. I went in to take a shower and when I came out, I could not find the puppy. We called and called her. Nothing. Checked outside.....she was nowhere. We were loading the van and I figured she had probably slipped out when a door was open while getting stuff in the van. We looked everywhere, in every nook and cranny in that house. In closets, under furniture, you name it. Then we started looking outside. By this time I was exhausted already. It was late and I started to cry. Not just tears, I mean CRY. I called my friend Michele who I knew would understand why I was so upset and when she heard me on the phone she immediately said, "I'm coming over." She has known me since 7th grade and knew if I was this upset, she needed to be there. Sure enough 20 minutes later she showed up with her daughter Katie and helped me look for Sophie. I was still a mess. I also called my mom, who upon hearing my voice said the exact same thing as Michele and she is only 2 blocks away, so within minutes she was at my side. I even had Julie's boyfriend checking in the drainage ditches for Sophie, bless his heart. Julie was trying everything she could to comfort me, and she and the girls stayed up alllll night long going to Kinkos to make copies of a Lost Dog poster to put up all around the neighborhood. Finally around midnight I was exhausted and inconsolable. I collapsed on my bed and cried and cried and cried.....sobbing hysterically. I couldn't handle it. My mother was holding my hand saying it would be okay, they would find the dog. Michele was on the bed with me saying the same thing. The kids were out in the living room, obviously upset hearing me go on and on and on. Finally, the left me alone to cry it out. My grandson Tobin, was in the room with me. He is 9 years old , and looooves his gramma. I couldn't even stop with him in the room, cuz I knew I was going to upset him. But you know....he laid on the bed next to me and just stroked my head, then hugged me and patted my back and said, "I understand Gramma. You're just so sad". Of course that made me cry harder. Bless his sweet soul. He was the one who finally calmed me down. I only slept for about an hour that night. As I got up at 4:00am to get the rest of the gang up to go to Disneyland, who should appear at my feet but Sophie! Again, collapsing in tears I go show my family that the dog has returned. Where she was, I will never know. We looked EVERYWHERE for her. The monster headache was still pounding in my head, but I knew my prayers had been answered. My mother later told me she had never prayed harder in her life than for that dog to return. So why the HUGE meltdown over a dog? It wasn't just the dog, obviously. It was for loss. Loss of my precious precious husband. Loss of my lifestyle that I had always known. Loss of the word "wife". Loss of my father who died on Christmas 1974. This was the first vacation I had taken without my husband. The first Christmas without him. But then.....all was made well in a matter of seconds. Sophie returned. My optimism returned. My smile returned, as did all the kids smiles as well. We went and had a wonderful time. I still hate to cry. But I do think it was necessary. I got a lot out that night, as awful as it was. I don't want to cry that hard again. It physically hurts. But with my tears came a renewed sense of spirit. God is still in His heaven. Disneyland is still magical. The sun still shines. Life will go on, just not as I expected, but it will go on. I know Barry would want that, and I want that too. I just miss him. Always will.
It all began right before we were headed to Disneyland before Christmas. Just got my new, adorable puppy Sophie. The house was chaos with all the kids and grandkids there, spending the night because we were getting up super early to leave. I went in to take a shower and when I came out, I could not find the puppy. We called and called her. Nothing. Checked outside.....she was nowhere. We were loading the van and I figured she had probably slipped out when a door was open while getting stuff in the van. We looked everywhere, in every nook and cranny in that house. In closets, under furniture, you name it. Then we started looking outside. By this time I was exhausted already. It was late and I started to cry. Not just tears, I mean CRY. I called my friend Michele who I knew would understand why I was so upset and when she heard me on the phone she immediately said, "I'm coming over." She has known me since 7th grade and knew if I was this upset, she needed to be there. Sure enough 20 minutes later she showed up with her daughter Katie and helped me look for Sophie. I was still a mess. I also called my mom, who upon hearing my voice said the exact same thing as Michele and she is only 2 blocks away, so within minutes she was at my side. I even had Julie's boyfriend checking in the drainage ditches for Sophie, bless his heart. Julie was trying everything she could to comfort me, and she and the girls stayed up alllll night long going to Kinkos to make copies of a Lost Dog poster to put up all around the neighborhood. Finally around midnight I was exhausted and inconsolable. I collapsed on my bed and cried and cried and cried.....sobbing hysterically. I couldn't handle it. My mother was holding my hand saying it would be okay, they would find the dog. Michele was on the bed with me saying the same thing. The kids were out in the living room, obviously upset hearing me go on and on and on. Finally, the left me alone to cry it out. My grandson Tobin, was in the room with me. He is 9 years old , and looooves his gramma. I couldn't even stop with him in the room, cuz I knew I was going to upset him. But you know....he laid on the bed next to me and just stroked my head, then hugged me and patted my back and said, "I understand Gramma. You're just so sad". Of course that made me cry harder. Bless his sweet soul. He was the one who finally calmed me down. I only slept for about an hour that night. As I got up at 4:00am to get the rest of the gang up to go to Disneyland, who should appear at my feet but Sophie! Again, collapsing in tears I go show my family that the dog has returned. Where she was, I will never know. We looked EVERYWHERE for her. The monster headache was still pounding in my head, but I knew my prayers had been answered. My mother later told me she had never prayed harder in her life than for that dog to return. So why the HUGE meltdown over a dog? It wasn't just the dog, obviously. It was for loss. Loss of my precious precious husband. Loss of my lifestyle that I had always known. Loss of the word "wife". Loss of my father who died on Christmas 1974. This was the first vacation I had taken without my husband. The first Christmas without him. But then.....all was made well in a matter of seconds. Sophie returned. My optimism returned. My smile returned, as did all the kids smiles as well. We went and had a wonderful time. I still hate to cry. But I do think it was necessary. I got a lot out that night, as awful as it was. I don't want to cry that hard again. It physically hurts. But with my tears came a renewed sense of spirit. God is still in His heaven. Disneyland is still magical. The sun still shines. Life will go on, just not as I expected, but it will go on. I know Barry would want that, and I want that too. I just miss him. Always will.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year
What a year it has been. I'm not going to re-hash any of it as you can read my blog and tell what last year brought me. I wanted to write yesterday as the year closed, but could not find the time. I was supposed to be off work, but ended up working a full 8 hours as it was crazy at work and patients needed to get home and get their medicines, so I ended up working, which was just fine. Mom invited me over for dinner, so went there, then went to Julie's for a bit, was invited to 2 other parties, but just ran out of steam. I ended up going to bed at 10 snuggled down with Sophie.....so glad I had her as she got herself lost the day before we went to Disneyland with the kids. That lead to a complete breakdown the night before. I was sure she had gotten out when a door was left open for a minute packing up the van. Walked up and down the street with a flashlight, kids were looking too in the freezing weather....looked in every corner I could think of in my house with a flashlight, closets, under furniture....called my mom and Michele in hysterics. Michele and mom came over and around midnight I was exhausted and sobbing hysterically ...totally inconsolable. My mom was so worried. The kids went to Kinkos at 2am to make posters and put them up all over the neighborhood. At 4am I got up, trying to figure out if I should go to Disneyland or stay home, when who appears at my feet....Sophie! Where she was, I will never know. If she came in the dog door, if she found a corner I didn't in the house....all I know is it was a miracle to me and I collapsed in yet more sobs calling to everyone I found her. What a night that was. The sobs were not only for Sophie, but for all the grief I had been carrying, the loss of my precious, precious husband, the grief that this is my first Christmas without him and my first Disneyland trip without him.....A lot of "firsts' this year and there will be "firsts" this year as well. Disneyland ended up being a wonderful thing for me to do on Christmas. It was focused on the kids and watching their precious faces and it truly was "the happiest place on earth" for them. Annika especially. Everything was beauty and wonder to her and she skipped thru Disneyland singing and dancing. What complete joy that was for me to watch. So much better than being at home staring at a Christmas tree with ornaments Barry and I had collected thru the years and knowing no one would get me gifts like he did. He knew my hearts desire and always got me wonderful gifts. A music box....a weekend away...a banjo... a gps...Yes a gps. I'm "directionally challenged" shall we say. I'm still learning how to find my way thru things, even with google maps. Alas, the gps went missing a month ago. But, my compass is still the same. Pointed toward the heavens. I talk to Barry a lot. It seems to calm me down. I cry when I talk to him and I miss the every day sharing and hand holding. We were big on holding hands and hugging. I miss that more than I can tell you. Last year, we were in Fort Ross near the ocean ringing in the new year. This year it began with taking the dog out to potty in wind and rain, then snuggling back down in bed to read the paper, drink coffee and treat my self to a boston cream pie toaster strudel and cuddling Sophie. This year will bring about many changes, I'm sure. I may lose my house, who knows what will happen with Barry's business,. Will I declare bankruptcy or not? Do I move this year? All I know is I will keep my eyes on Jesus first and foremost to help guide me and be my compass for the things ahead I cannot forsee. Let us pray that the new year brings joy and health to all of you. I cannot think of better blessings.
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