Two whole years

Two years since my husband passed away.  On September 2 it will be 2 years.  I haven't written much on this blog, since most of it was created to keep people in touch with what was going on with Barry and then me.  So whats been going on with me?  Plenty.  I've been trying to keep myself busy.  Really, really busy.  Because when I'm busy I don't think about what I've been through.  When I stop and start to go over everything, I don't function very well.  Do I miss him?  Of course.  I will never, ever stop missing that crazy, adorable man.  But I have learned how to manage without him.  There are some things I will never be able to deal with myself, like how to fix the massage chair that he bought for me.  We finally figured out there was a blown fuse...but when we replace the fuse it immediately blows again.  Argh.  Its stuck in one position which annoys the beejeebers out of me, but....until someone comes over and starts monkeying with it, I won't be able to figure it out.  Anything mechanical baffles me and quickly makes me throw up my hands in surrender.  That was my husbands forte, not mine.  But as I was thinking the other day about what I miss the most about him, a number of things came to mind.....his smile, his daffy duck face he used to make when he felt sheepish about something, how he LOVED to get down on the floor with a puppy and just let the puppy jump all over him and lick his face; the way he used to try to cover up starting to get teary by making this little cough.....everyone who knew him knew that meant Barry had a lump in his throat and was getting ready to be teary.   But the thing that kept coming to the front of my mind was...his hands.  The feel of his hand in mine.  His rough hands with grease under his nails.  How they felt when he would put his arm around me, when he would touch my hand in the middle of the night.  We held hands most every night.  Either he or I would roll over in the middle of the night and reach for each others hand to hold.  It was just a nice thing to do and it reassured the both of us that we were there and that we loved each other.  How I miss that.  His hands were so rough from so many years of hard work.  A mechanics hands.  A do-ers hand.  I will forever miss that man in my life for a million little reasons....and for one big reason.  I loved him.  There is a Barry-sized hole in my heart that will never be filled, but I can survive.  I can function.  I stay busy.  I am amazingly grateful for what God has provided for me.  The blessings are still there and I make myself stop and say "thank you" to God every day for what He has done for me.  So I have learned these days to lean on another hand.  God's hand.  I may not be able to feel it physically, but I sure feel it emotionally.  He's there with me.  And really, ....so is Barry.

The bonds of sisterhood

The bonds of sisterhood are wonderful and weird at the same time. I have one sister...thats it. No brothers. When we were growing up together (at only 16 months apart) we played together and also hated each other. We were complete opposites. My sister didn't like being hugged and touched, I craved it. My sister played with dinosaurs and horse statues. I played with barbies and baby dolls. When we got older, my sister was a definite "hippie" type and I was a band nerd and super geek. But we also had things in common. We both sang and played musical instruments. In fact, one of my most treasured memories is playing the recorders together and struggling through "Awake thou Wintry Earth" and also me playing guitar and Sue playing piano and ripping it up playing "Classical Gas".....that was SO fun. One thing that my sister was obsessive about was getting a horse. She wanted one SO badly but financially my family just couldn't swing it. So finally when she was in 8th grade, my parents got her a dog named Sonny. They had a wonderful bond, but of course, my sister grew up, got married, moved, then divorced etc. The dog stayed at my mom's. So as much as my sister would have loved to have the dog with her, it wasn't feasible. So after a time, she got her very first Sheltie....her first dog that was totally hers....Dusty. I remember going with her picking him out here in Santa Rosa. A whole barn full of little Sheltie furballs. What fun that was. She picked out this little guy and those two were on their own. That was 17 years ago. Two days ago she finally had him put to sleep. Of course she cried, but the weird thing was: I cried. A lot. I never lived with this dog or anything and my sister has lived in Missouri for the last 11 years. I hardly ever get to see this dog or have any bond with him, really....except that my sister was sad....which makes ME sad. See how this bond thing works? When she weeps, I weep and vice versa. When she is happy, so am I. When she feels scared, I get scared and sometimes we don't even know it. She will just call me with some sort of feeling that she has and oddly, I will be having that same feeling. So when I found out that she finally had to put her precious first Sheltie to sleep I started to cry and pretty much kept crying throughout the day. Silly? maybe. But its a sister bond that I cherish. Dusty, you were a very special dog to my sister, and apparently to me too. Because you were a part of my sister and a part of her heart....therefore you were a part of mine too. See how life is? We are all connected on this earth. I love you my sister. We are a part of each other. Its the bond of sisterhood.

Disneyland!

Yup, I did it. I went to the happiest place on earth with my best friend and did we ever have a blast. What a totally fun vacation. It's been years since Michele and I went somewhere together. The last time I believe was when we went to Missouri together to see my sister in 2008. We had a LOT of fun there too, but this....well, it was just downright awesome. We drove down and there was very little traffic, which is great all by itself. Our hotel was really nice too, within walking distance of D-land but I have to tell you....even in really really good shoes, your feet hurt. You walk at least 5 miles a day around Disneyland and California Adventure and even the best of shoes will make your tooties scream after awhile. I had good athletic shoes and also my trusty, tried and true Keens which I love that I switched back and forth and let me tell you my dogs were barking at the end of every day. But its a small price to pay for screamingly fun rides, deep fried goodness in the form of beignets, and awesome shows. AND one of my favorite shows was actually doing some filming there at the Dumbo ride. Modern Family! We caught a glimpse of "Jay", "Gloria" , "Mitchell" and "Lilly" filming there and it was so cool to watch. Sophia Vergara is much tinier in person. She looks tall in the show, but she is pretty tiny. We saw her and "Manny" flying on Dumbo and watched the filming process. I got a couple of pictures but they kept us pretty far away and you can only see these guys if I enlarge one part of the picture. But that was way cool to watch.

Another bonus for us, but not so much for a ton of other people is that on Saturday, we had a pass to get into the park an hour early before it opened, along with a lot of other people. So we got up early and marched on over and arrived there about 7:10am, went inside and made a beeline for the big rides....Splash Mountian, Space Mountain, Indiana Jones etc.... We kept going on rides and noticed that the park was still pretty empty. Then Michele had a friend who was also going to Disneyland and she texted us that they were locked out of Disneyland....a suspicious package was found in the trees outside the park, so everyone was evacuated from the front gates . SERIOUSLY?? We texted back that we were inside already going on all the rides and having fun. We kept asking the workers inside what was going on but they just kept saying" Oh, its just a slow morning...." Okay, we knew better than that. Obviously they were told to just say nothing and act as if everything is normal. So for a good 3 1/2 hours we enjoyed a nearly empty park alllll to ourselves and went on everything. We went on all the rides in Fantasyland, even the teacups and Pinocchio and the little kid rides and went to Pixie Hollow and hung out with the fairies there....you name it, we probably went on it. By the time the thundering herds were let in around 11am, we were done. We went and had something to eat and shopped and went back to the hotel to cool down our feet....awesome. Turns out the person who put the "package" in the tree was from Rohnert Park....where I work. He was just trying to give a little affirmation to a cheerleading squad that was competing down there. He didn't realize he caused all this hullabaloo. Not cool dude. Don't mess the Disneyland. I felt bad for all the parents out there trying to calm down their little ones who got up super early to go have some fun and then had to hang out for over 3 hours trying to enterain the little ones....yeah that had to have been awful. Glad it wasn't me. I can't believe we caught such a lucky break! They cancelled the famous fireworks on Friday and Saturday due to too much static in the air, so on Saturday we saw Fantasmic! which was incredible, Saturday night we saw the World of Color over at California Adventure and oh my , that was worth the price of admission alone. Absolutely incredible show that I really can't describe....you just have to see it. And Sunday night they did the fireworks which was wonderful as well. So we got it all. And the drive home was a piece of cake too. I'm so glad that I had the chance to just go let loose and have some fun. Oh! and got to have my very first taste of whipped cream vodka. Not a vodka girl at all, but I'm telling you when you add some orange juice to this it tastes like a 50/50 bar, or a creamsicle. VERY very tasty. And nice to have it at the end of a looooong day walking. Did I mention I slept great?? yeahhhh.....

I'm doing okay!

Its been a looong time since I've updated my blog and I figured I would let all of you know how I was doing. Guess what? I'm doing okay! People are right, it does get better. Of course I still miss Barry. That will never end. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life because I will have constant reminders of him thru my kids and grandkids. Even now, little 3 year old Amiah asks for her Papa. Even she remembers him, as little as she was when he received his crown of life. But my little house feels like my home and I am comfortable there and feel safe. I am dealing with allllll the financial stuff. I don't like it, but I'm doing it. I'm taking a mini vacation with my best friend Michele to Disneyland next week. We decided we needed something to look forward to, so this is it! Just for a couple of days but hey, its a vacation right? So I will write again and let you know how that goes and maybe post some pictures of my mini vacation. Amy is out of rehab, and has been clean and sober for 5 months now and is doing well. She is in a Sober Living Environment and finding out that "real life" is a bit stressful when you don't always have drugs to retreat into. But she still says its WAY better than her drug days. Thank you Lord for that. Julie and Laura seem to be doing fine as well. My grandkids are great, they love me and I love them, my friends are faithful, God is faithful....and right now its 78 degrees outside. Wow. In the middle of February. Yes, we need rain, but I just want to go outside in the middle of the day and lay in the grass and let the sun hit my face. And I will enjoy the rain when it gets here. I love rain and winter and being cozy. Summer heat.....not so much. Although I am grateful for my little tiny air conditioner in my house. At least provides a bit of relief. So, yes it does get easier, bit by bit. We'll see what plans God has for me. I'm taking everything day by day and trusting in my awesome God to lead me to the next chapter(s) in my life. For right now....I'm okay!