Depression hurts

Depression hurts. At least thats what the commercial on TV says. They show these people sitting on the couch with a blank stare, laying in bed, going about their day with no joy etc. I really, really hate to admit it, but that was me for awhile. Oh, I could go to work and interact with people and do what I had to do, but I was in a place that brought me no joy. Things in my life were just really getting to me. My husband is gone, the house is in foreclosure, I'm being sued for credit card payments, my middle daughter is in a depression worse than me, fighting drug addiction and I have her 2 year old daughter full time which is really tiring....though I love her to pieces. But after working a full day, running to pick her up and get her home and get her fed, played with a bit, bathed, pj's on and put to bed there is literally nothing left of me but bone weariness. Lets face it, I'm not in my 20's or 30's anymore and she is all encompassing. She is a piece of sunshine in my dark days and hugging her has kept me from going over the edge. My family came together for Amy's birthday and it was nice, but then the next day we had a family conference and lets just say it could have turned out better. It stirred some emotions and anger and resentment from my daughters that literally put me over the edge. On Monday, I could barely keep it together at work......its hard to mix drugs with tears streaming down your face and having to keep running to the bathroom to sob and pray that no one else would come in and ask whats the matter. Because you can't sum this gut wrenching, soul searing emotions up in a few words. You want to talk to someone but you just can't. I know people will say, "why didn't you call me? I would have come over." But I couldn't even get up the gumption to do even that. I just plodded thru my day, saying the right things to the right people, doing my job and trying not to burst into tears. I went to the dentist and he was trying to make small talk and all I could do was give him a wan smile and try not to cry. I wrote encouraging comments on peoples facebook posts and answered e-mails and all the while I was fighting the urge to run away and just hope all the negative feelings would go away. And all the while I was feeling this I knew that this was only the tip of the iceberg of total depression....the not getting out of bed and wanting to kill yourself depression that some people go thru. I glimpsed the inside of that though and I didn't like what I saw. Yes I prayed myself thru it. Because ....well, here's the deal. You know when you can't call someone to talk .....you can talk to God. Seriously. Thats all I could do. Even if it was just crying to Him and saying "help me, please, I just can't do this anymore." God doesn't cheer you up. He just is......there. On the day of Barry's memorial, I remember waking up that morning and immediately starting to cry and say "I can't do it....I just can't" and sobbing uncontrollably. Holly was there next to me and didn't say a word....just held my hand and let me cry it out. She knew there would be no words to "cheer me up".....she just let me know she was there to hold on to.....and I did hold onto her. Thats what God does....holds onto you and won't let go. One of my favorite quotes is from a book called The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. The quote is "there is no pit so deep, that He is not deeper still." Meaning....He will not let you fall. I felt like I was falling.....but God caught me and didn't let me get to the really, really horrible place that I felt there was no hope. Yes, depression hurts, but it DOES get better. Today, I am better. Not back to normal, but better. I'm trying. Thats all I can do. Hold on, keep going and trust that God will never let me down.