I did it

I did it. Didn't think I could, but I did it. I donated Barry's clothes to our local Gospel Mission. It wasn't easy, but I reasoned with myself that they are no longer doing me any good just hanging there in the closet. They DID do me good for awhile. I slept with his shirt buttoned around my pillow for awhile. When they still smelled like him, they did me good. With each shirt and pair of pants I put in the box, there was a memory attached to it. This was the shirt I bought for him at Cabela's when I was visiting my sister....this was the shirt he bought on the cruise....these are the nice warm pants his parents got for him from Lands End that he loved...each one was like a trip down memory lane. There were a few things I could not bear to part with. Like his Jeff Gordon socks... a few hats of his etc. His one beloved hat that he always wore, his black hat that you see in so many pictures,was given to his "son", Ryan, who I knew would revere it and make sure nothing happened to it. He cried when I gave it to him. This was hard....very hard. But someone else can put his clothes to good use . I just hope I don't see someone walking down the street in one of his shirts. I might have to go hug the poor unsuspecting person who would not know what to do with me. This is closure of a different sort. I cried a lot when I did it, but now that its done, it doesn't feel too bad. Barry, I hope you know how much I loved you and how hard that was, but I know you are proud of me. I feel you still in my heart, all day every day. You may be gone, but the love stays. The love......stays.

Reflections

Today would have been my dads 81'st birthday had he lived. He died on Christmas day in 1974. I was only 17 then. Having first hand experience on what its like to lose a father to cancer makes my heart ache for my daughters, who suffered a similar fate. My father never got to see me dressed up for my senior prom, or see me graduate from high school or walk me down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams. Never got to see any of his grandchildren or great grandchildren. He had two girls, me and my sis, and I know he wanted a boy. I was supposed to be named Steven if I were a boy. He regretted never having anyone to discuss the Giants with and discuss batting averages and stats. Then when my sister and I got married , my sister had one girl and I had three. He would STILL be wanting boys. I can just hear him calling it his "harem of girls". My dad had a great sense of humor and was the life of any party. He was very handsome and had a great head of hair. No receding hairline for this man! He had a wonderful tenor voice and I was blessed to sing with him in choir and in duets. I share the same love of music that he did. He never minded going to the ballet with his girls or seeing a musical. He embraced it. So many wonderful memories of this man. I just wished he would have lived longer. 44 was way to young to die of brain cancer. Way to young.

Its now been six months since I lost my love and my girls precious dad. In some ways it seems like years ago and in others it feels like yesterday. I'm not even close to getting rid of some of his stuff. Its all still precious to me, but some things are getting easier. I don't cry every single day anymore, but I think about him constantly. I don't sleep with his shirt wrapped around my pillow anymore, but I still roll over and hug his pillow like its him. I don't cook much at all anymore. I eat standing over the sink or on the couch. I can think of him without choking up....mostly. I still see him in every corner of this house....hear him saying "love you" with every chime of the grandfather clock he bought me. I can't believe I've learned how to live without him. I guess you really do get on with your life. Yes, its a "new normal". I don't have to like it, but I do have to embrace it. This is my life right now and there are many more changes to come around the corner. I still have my grand-daughter Amiah with me and and she is literally, the sunshine of my life. Sure its tough coming home after working all day and dealing with a 2 year old, but the smile she gives me every day makes it all worth it. Amy is trying to get clean and stay clean to take her back. I'm grateful for that and I'm grateful I'm able to have this precious child with me. I'm grateful for my friends and family who have helped me thru all of this. But I still wish, with all my heart, my husband could be here to witness his adorable grandchildren and the wonderful things they do and the wonderful people they are becoming. And I know his girls miss him desperately, as I miss my dad. I still miss him. I always will. And the girls will always miss their daddy every day of their life, but.... the saying is true. Life does go on. It does. And for that I am grateful.