Between sleep and awake

There's a great line in the movie "Hook" that Tinkerbell says to Peter Pan after he goes back to his home from Neverland. She says to him, "You know that place between sleep and awake? Thats where I'll always be. Thats where I'll always love you." I say this because in that brief, split second between sleep and awake each morning, my life is normal. In that split second, Barry will be getting up to give our dog his dog cookie in the morning, make coffee and bring it to me in bed. Reality is, the alarm goes off and I look at my shell of a husband who has had a bad night of nausea, vomiting and pain and I drag myself out of bed due to lack to sleep to do all of the aforementioned tasks while the tears run down my face. In that split second, my husband will tease me in the morning and kiss me good bye as he leaves in his big Ford F-150 that has a bumper sticker on the back that says "I love my wife." His arms will be strong and tan, and there will be mechanics grease under his nails. His voice will be strong as he will ask whats for dinner tonight and he will consume whatever I put in front of him with gusto. Reality is, the shop must be sold or let go because he hasn't worked since the middle of January. His voice is weak and his nails are white as snow, as is his face. He will not consume anything with gusto anymore as eating is a huge chore and nothing, nothing tastes good. In that moment between sleep and awake, we are planning vacations, and dinner out with friends and what fun things to do with the grandkids this weekend. Reality is, we cannot plan anything anymore. It is a day by day, moment by moment kind of thing. I'm gonna say this very cliche phrase, but its so true: Cancer sucks. Its horrible to watch the one you love suffer and try so hard and valiantly battle on and there hardly anything you can do for them besides hold their hand, their head and their heart. The tears flow frequently now as the cancer has spread to the brain, and we cannot start the clinical trial because of that. The disappointment and fear were tangible when the doctor told us at UCSF. We cried, we hugged each other.....we drove home as the numbness spread. Barry started talking about getting his affairs in order now. We start radiation today. Short of a miracle, things are looking very bleak. But we still hope, we still love and if love could cure him, he would have been healed a million times over by now with the outpouring we have received. We appreciate all those who have encouraged us, and never mind those who have come over and given us "premonitions" about what is going to happen. We place our trust in our Lord Jesus Christ. God is bigger than cancer. There are still miracles to be had. And God loves Barry even more than we do and maybe He can't wait to take him to Himself. And if that happens sooner rather than later, I will let go with dignity, trust and more love than you can even begin to imagine. Because he will still live in that place between sleep and awake. ....and in my heart forever.

What are you proud of?

What are you proud of? Is it your kids? Your job? That you're having a good hair day? Your house? I'll tell you what makes me proud, and thats my marriage to my husband. I'm not proud of a lot of things in my life, but one thing that I can say I am successful at and that is working at a marriage. Is my husband perfect? Nope....am I? HECK no....but my husband IS perfect for me. Why? Because both of us, from the very beginning, centered our marriage on Christ. We looked to Him when we had issues and prayed together and STAYED together. It also takes a commitment from BOTH people. I have many friends who broke up because one person was very committed and the other one wasn't. It definetely takes two in a marriage. And that saying about "the two shall become one"....it's true. When he feels pain, so do I. When he is in a good mood, so am I. He is a part of me, a part of my heart, my whole being is wrapped up in him. A marriage takes a TON of work, that's for sure. We had plenty of really, really rough times. At one point, I was done. I even started packing his stuff and worked up a whole speech about how this isn't working and he never spends time with me or the kids and maybe if we were to live apart, he would at least see the kids every other weekend.....I started talking to him about it when he came home one evening. He grabbed his stuff and said, " okay, if thats how you feel"...I told him to sleep on it and we can discuss it more in the morning. Well, that morning I woke up to my alarm clock and I had it tuned to "Focus on the Family" to listen to Dr. Dobson every morning. He had a program on that day about the stages in a womans life....and the topic that day really hit me. I rolled over, hugged my husband and said, "Don't go....lets work this out." And we did. At one point I asked him "Why do you even stay with me?" And he stated, "cuz I made a promise to stay when we got married." Wow. He was right. We both made a promise. So we stayed....and we worked....and we struggled, and it wasn't always pretty. Some years it was downright yucky. But you stay, and you work. And you know what? Its worth it. Every good year , every bad year....because for the last 10 years of our marriage, we have been best friends and partners. We hardly ever argue anymore. We laugh, we enjoy each other, we hang out together and do almost everything together. We fit. That is why this is so hard, this cancer....this THING eating away at the lifeforce that is my husband. He doesn't laugh anymore. He can't....he's too tired or in too much pain. Its a struggle just to get up or eat these days for him. Just to get in the car to go anywhere is agonizing for him. Waiting to get on this trial is agony for him and for me. Because he is a part of me. The best part of me. The thing I am most proud of. My love, my husband, my marriage. Thank you God for 33 years with this man. If for nothing else, I am grateful for that.

What a week....

So Barry is on antibiotics for his pneumonia, but he has gone downhill so fast its staggering. He basically has been in bed for 2 weeks. He walks and talks like a little old man...slow, shuffling steps, very weak voice...you can hardly hear him. He pants like a dog, because of the pain. I have been incredibly depressed over this whole thing, cuz it looks like he is dying in front of me. The wasting away of this precious body is just too much for me to bear. One night, while I was awake with him at 3am (which is the norm these days) , I asked him if he had been taking his Prozac. He said no. Then I asked him when was the last time he had taken his blood sugar or his insulin....he couldn't remember. Really? are you kidding me?? so then I got mad and asked him if he was planning on dying of kidney failure before the cancer got him?? I was so ticked off I was crying. I asked him if he had given up, cuz thats the way it was looking to me. He said " no, not yet, but I understand why people do give up now. I've just been fighting to get the pain under control and survive." I told him he was not gonna survive much longer if he didn't get off his ass and move around some more and take his medications! If he was planning on giving up and dying then let me know and I will call UCSF and tell them to give the pills to someone else. (We are STILL waiting for Roche to approve him on the trial. I'm telling you, this waiting is just agonizing). He said he would try harder. And bless his heart....he is. He actually got out of bed yesterday and ate some stuff and hung out for Julie's birthday celebration. Then today he is going out to lunch with one of his friends. He is having a lot of stomach issues. Its so hard for him to eat, because he gets cramps and either constipation or diarrhea. Poor guy. He really is fighting hard. It can't be easy. I pray and pray....so does he and so do our friends. I'm gonna say it again ....Cancer sucks. It's harder than I ever imagined it is. No matter how hard you think it is, you end up wishing it were that easy. Keep fighting my love....keep fighting.