The dream.....

After Barry got out of surgery, he began telling me about a dream he had before he went into surgery. It was about him wrestling and fighting with a guy from his past. This is the man who used to be his friend, who we rented our house to, and he turned it into a drug house and absolutely destroyed our house. He also stole thousands of dollars from Barry in many and various ways and stole our motor home (which we eventually got back). Barry was fighting with this guy, verbally and physically in his dream. He finally wrestled him down to the ground and started pounding his head against the ground. If any of you know my husband, he is a lover, NOT a fighter. He has never gotten into a physical fight with anyone in our married life. So him having this kind of rage is incredible. As he was pounding his head into the ground, the man "morphed" into a crab. This crab began getting the better of him, pinching him and ripping the flesh from his arm. The pain was incredible. But once again, Barry finally managed to wrestle the crab down and with a mighty blow...smashed the crab into the ground. After he smashed it, two tiny crabs came running out and scurried away underneath the ground. This was the end of the dream. The way I figure it, this dream was a "cancer" dream. The tropic of cancer symbol is a crab. His rage and helplessness was pointed at this cancer and he "smashed" the big cancer....i.e the tumor. Yup, thats gone. But the little crabs that ran out....Those are the little cells that are running throughout his body....where they will land no one knows. But they are there. And with God's help we are gonna get those little buggers and smash them to the ground as well. Keep praying!!

Cancer is a four letter word

Cancer. The word that strikes fear in the heart of most people. And I am most people. My dad died of brain cancer and my husband has just been diagnosed with melanoma in his lymph nodes. I lost one man I loved to cancer and I'm sure as heck not gonna lose another if I can help it. The more I read about it, the scarier it gets. I need to stop reading. I need to sleep. I need to cherish every day. The list can go on forever on things I need to do. My husband will go into surgery tomorrow to have this mass removed and all I can think about is how our life is going to change. A new "normal" will begin. When the biopsy came back positive my legs almost buckled. Being in the medical field, I know how these things tend to go. I know too much. The Dr. said there would be no surprises...he's going to go in and get the tumor and then we'll plan a therapy after that with the oncologist.
**So.....after the surgery....there was a surprise...a bad one. The tumor was much larger than anticipated. I kept looking at the clock during the surgery. The doctor said it would take about an hour. Well , an hour came and went...and went...and went. 2 1/2 hours later, the doctor came out looking grim. He said because the tumor was so large it took much longer than anticipated. That from his standpoint, he got as much as he possibly could see, touch and feel, but the likelihood that is has spread is 100%. He said it could be years, or months, depending. Nothing else showed up on the PET scan because what is in his system (blood or lymph nodes) is too microscopic to see yet. But he says he is certain it is spreading.
Sucker punch.
Blind-sided.
I could feel the blood draining from my face as he was talking. He kept looking at me, like he was waiting for me to faint. My mother in law grabbed my hand and kept talking to him saying "Thats not what we wanted to hear"....Thats an understatement. I felt like I was going to faint. After he left, I called my mom and my friend Ardys. My mother in law told me it was okay to cry....not yet....not yet. I have to process this first. I made my phone calls....then sat down, put my head in my hands and cried and cried. My beautiful husband....the man I love with all my heart, soul and mind....who loves me unconditionally, has put up with me and deals with my craziness.....has a shortened lifetime?? No...no....He and I have to celebrate our 50th anniversary. We have cruises to go on, grandchildren to play with and watch recitals and soccer games....What the hell? Now I was getting mad. Cancer was NOT going to take my husband....this generous man who denies me nothing. All I wanted to do was see him, hold him and tell him its all gonna be okay. When I finally got in there, the doctor had told him the news. He looked upset. I just held his hand and kissed him and told him that its gonna be okay. Its gonna be just you and me, and we'll fight this thing. Going home that night and crawling into bed all by myself was so hard....so hard. All I could think about was ....is this how its gonna be soon? The bed with no hubby to touch in the middle of the night? No one to hold my hand when I need it? To hold me after a bad dream? Not possible. I watched my mom to thru this and I sure as hell don't want to go thru that. Depression set in. Couldn't sleep. All I wanted was my husband home. He came home the next day, thank God. And then he told me about his dream.....