This has not been an easy year......

That's an understatement. This has been an incredibly tough year for me. This is the first full year I've lived without my husband. I lost my house to foreclosure and moved into a manufactured home. I live by myself....for the very first time ever. My daughter used my debit card to steal thousands of dollars from me to support her drug habit. I raised Amiah by myself for a few months while my daughter was homeless. Yet, as awful as all of that was, I was blessed a thousand times over this year as well. I went to hang out with my friend Holly in Boise in February and that was a HUGE blessing. Just having a wonderful friend like that to just do a whole lot of nothing with, and feel comfortable doing nothing was great. I also went to see my sister in Missouri in the summer along with my precious niece Kim and my sister treated us both like royalty taking us to dinner and going to get pedicures and massages.....I'm still thinking about how great my toes looked! I also took a huge load of friends to Pismo Beach for my first anniversary without Barry and oh my did we have a good time!! I had one of my best belly laughs ever playing "Apples to Apples" with that bunch of women. I also had tears of rememberance, but it was softened by having my friends with me. I also went down to visit my niece in December to see her and the kids and my sister was there visiting as well. That was a quick trip, but so very very nice. Amy is in re-hab and seems to be doing very well. Patrick James was born in December and of course that was a huge blessing. I feel safe in my new little home and I have my sweet, silly puppy Sophie who is constantly entertaining. So I am looking forward to this next year being a bit better. Not quite as gut-wrenching. I wish all of you the happiest of new years and may blessings abound on us all!

Not feeling it

Its been a long time since I posted anything. I've been doing okay. Thanksgiving was great, although Kim and the kids were not there this year, which was sad. But my girls and their families were and that was wonderful . We started a new tradition this year and did a Thanksgiving Tablecloth where we all wrote on it with a sharpie saying what we were thankful for that year. Then we'll bring it out next year and so on and so on. How I wish we could have started this tradition when Barry was alive. I would have loved to have looked back on what he was thankful for. And my daughter Julie finally gave birth to precious little Patrick. He is adorable and mellow and its so great to have a newborn in the family again. It was a quick birth....very very very quick. She almost had him in the car. If Danny hadn't had scooped her up and carried her into the birthing center she would have had him in the car. I'm grateful for that, as he had the cord wrapped around his neck and needed and his heart rate was pretty slow. But all is great, Patrick is great as is Julie, Danny, Tobin, Aiden, Annika and Piper (Danny's daughter). Phew!!

As for the "not feeling it" title of my post, its cuz I'm just not into Christmas this year. I'm unorganized and not even hardly started on shopping for everyone. Don't even have many ideas. I did not put up a Christmas tree in my little place this year because, 1. I don't really have a spot for one, 2. I don't want to get a real tree and wrassle it all by myself into the house and put it in the stand, 3. I don't want to buy a fake tree and 4. I don't want to get all those beautiful ornaments out that Barry and I put on the tree every year and I don't want to get all the stockings out because I can't fill Barry's anymore and he isn't around to fill mine.....Amy is in re-hab with Amiah, so why bother? It would just make me sad to look at the tree all by myself. Since I "ran away" to Disneyland last year, this is really my first REAL Christmas without Barry. I'm acutally doing okay by myself. But at times like this, missing Barry becomes more acute. I'm going to try and go on a mini -vacation with my best friend in January or February just to have something to look forward to. Disneyland again maybe, or San Diego or who knows....just something. I was talking to another friend of mine who lost her husband 2 years ago and she and I have another in thing in common: We want to go sky-diving! Barry was always freaking out about me wanting to do that, so I didn't, because I didn't want to upset him or have him worry. But now.....well, we are gonna try it together in the spring/summer. So thats something I am looking forward to. I also had a nice little mini-vacation down to Murietta, CA where my niece and her family live and, bonus: my sister was there visiting from Missouri and ,double bonus: my Aunt Bonny was throwing her annual Christmas party and I havent' seen her in years and years. So I got a lot in on the few days I was down there. It was sooooo good to see my niece's kiddo's and hang out with my sister. We had a blast (although my sis wasn't happy sharing a room with me because apparently I have developed a snoring habit.) I NEVER snored like that in my life. I was always a quiet, quiet sleeper. I didn't snore like that when I visited my sister in Missouri in the summer.....so what happened since then? geez. Apparently I could give a buzz saw a run for its money. *sigh*

Anwyay, I'm grateful for my precious new little grandson, I am grateful for my family that is there when I need them (and my moms delicious Thanksgiving dinner....she rocks!) and I am focusing on all my blessings instead of wallowing in lonlieness without Barry. I'll get thru it....I always do, with help from my great big God. I have to remember : instead of telling God how big my storms are, to tell my storms how big my GOD is. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.