You never know....

I received news yesterday that a pharmacist that I had met only a few times, who worked here at a local hospital was killed in a car accident. His wife and daughter were both pharmacy technicians, as am I, and although I had not worked with either of them, two of my friends and co-workers had. My boss had also worked with the pharmacist who was killed. As we all sat horrified, hearing the news, obviously we were all shocked and it got me thinking about the man's family. What was the last thing they said to him, and he to them? Did they all know how much they meant to each other? Did they know about Jesus and heaven? I had the undeniable privelege of telling my husband every single day how much I loved him, not only when he found out he was ill, but long before that. The last 8 years of our marriage was probably our best. We enjoyed each other and laughed together and there was no doubt that if God would have seen to keep Barry on earth we would be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary together, if not longer. So how do you treat your spouse? your kids? your loved ones? What would you regret, if anything, if one of your loved ones was suddenly taken from you? Are you constantly irritated at your husband or wife? Constantly yelling at your kids? Ticked off at your co-workers and talking behind their back? How do you treat the retail clerks where you shop? Its very thought provoking. I try very hard to treat everyone with kindness, but sometimes life just gets in the way and its easy to snap or get impatient. I know I don't want the regret of knowing I never told my friends or loved ones just exactly how much they mean to me. I would hope that all my friends and family know that I treasure them , no matter what happens. I know we all don't tell them every day, but still, they know. I know that when Barry passed away, he knew that I loved him unconditionally, and I knew he felt the same about me. We had no secrets from each other, there was nothing to confess, no wrongs to make right. The more I think about this, the more I realize how God had blessed my marriage and continues to bless me. But obviously we are humans and we snap, or make a snide comment here or there, never knowing, possibly the effect we can have on people. I remember my sister writing in her blog, after her car accident about a woman in the grocery store who made a rude comment to her and it absolutely devastated her. She was already in a tender mood about things and recovering emotionally from her car accident as well as physically. I'm sure that lady never knew how deeply she hurt my sister that day. Never crossed her mind. But my sister sure remembers it. On the other hand, one day I was in the grocery store years ago and some total stranger came up to me and said, "That dress looks so pretty on you.". Did it make my day? You betcha! And that was YEARS ago, and still I remember it. So, I will try to do better every day. I will try to tell those I cherish how much they mean to me. I will take time to smile at the people in the stores and walking in my neighborhood. Because you never know. You just never know.

My memories

I don't want to forget him. Now, of course, as I write that I can hear you saying, "You will NEVER forget him" and thats absolutely true. What I DON'T want to forget is the little things....how he used to make what I call "the daffy duck face" when he felt silly about something, or the way his hands felt as I held them, all rough and care worn. My mom and I were talking about my dad the other day and she said, "What I missed after your father died was his whistling"....I forgot how he used to whistle!! And he whistled great....he could have been the guy whistling the tune on "The Andy Griffith Show" theme song, he was that good. That got me thinking....what do I want to remember about Barry?

I want to remember the way he said hello, which was "HELLoooooo", or sometimes he'd say, 'herrrOOHHH" or "whats up buttercup?" or the way he'd say " I love you tooo"...when I'd tell him I love him. I want to remember how he used to get up in the morning and scratch AJ(our corgi) until he AJ rolled all over the floor in anticipation of getting his dog cookie in the morning and how he'd get up and make a pot of coffee on Saturday morning,put it in a thermos, bring me the paper and we would read the paper in bed and drink coffee for about an hour. I want to remember how he slurped his coffee and said "ahhhhh" with that first sip, and how he always had a packet of splenda in his robe pocket for me when I wanted a refill. I want to remember how he would cry every time, yes every single time the youth kids would have the Christian Witness night and they would profess their love for Jesus and what He meant to them. It never failed...and the kids teased him constantly yet lovingly for this. He just loved those kids. And he cried when I sang too, unashamedly. That was the sweetest thing for me. When I would sing in church, I would always look for him at the end of my song and there he was with tears in his eyes. He tried not too....but that tell-tale little cough he would make when he got a lump in his throat was a dead giveaway. I want to remember the way he would run with that little gimpy gait of his, and the way he yelled, "NASCAR!!!" with Ryan at the Nascar races and Ryan would respond, "WOOHOO!" and they would high five each other. Every year. When he first took me to the Nascar races in Vegas I was unenthusiastic to go, except for the Vegas part of it. But when I first heard those engines start up and felt the raw power and the crowd going crazy I was hooked. I thought Barry might be unhappy to have his wife go with him....maybe this was just "guy time" that I was taking away from him, but he loved that I enjoyed it with him. I want to remember the way he said ' BRRR!!" when he got into bed and the sheets were cold. He hated the cold....he was always cold and I was having hot flashes. I was always opening the window and turning on the fan and he, bless his sweet soul, put up with it. He would say he was freezing and turn on the heated mattress pad in the bed and just deal with me. What a man. A real man. Seriously...that is a man who loves his wife who does that and does not complain. The one thing I will always remember and never, never forget is how he loved me. Really, really loved me. That whole, unselfish love that every man should have for his wife and I, as his wife...I was blessed. To know that I am no longer a wife stabs at my heart, because I truly cherished that part in my life and was so proud to call him my husband. I still expect him to walk in the door. My head knows different but my heart is still not accepting the fact that he is not gonna walk thru that front door with a cheerful hello, the clink of his keys on the table, the clunk of his shoes on the floor and a big hug waiting for me every day when he came home. The hug.....oh how I miss that all encompasing hug he always had. I will always miss that....and never forget the love. I love you Barry. Always. And that I will never forget.