New Year

What a year it has been. I'm not going to re-hash any of it as you can read my blog and tell what last year brought me. I wanted to write yesterday as the year closed, but could not find the time. I was supposed to be off work, but ended up working a full 8 hours as it was crazy at work and patients needed to get home and get their medicines, so I ended up working, which was just fine. Mom invited me over for dinner, so went there, then went to Julie's for a bit, was invited to 2 other parties, but just ran out of steam. I ended up going to bed at 10 snuggled down with Sophie.....so glad I had her as she got herself lost the day before we went to Disneyland with the kids. That lead to a complete breakdown the night before. I was sure she had gotten out when a door was left open for a minute packing up the van. Walked up and down the street with a flashlight, kids were looking too in the freezing weather....looked in every corner I could think of in my house with a flashlight, closets, under furniture....called my mom and Michele in hysterics. Michele and mom came over and around midnight I was exhausted and sobbing hysterically ...totally inconsolable. My mom was so worried. The kids went to Kinkos at 2am to make posters and put them up all over the neighborhood. At 4am I got up, trying to figure out if I should go to Disneyland or stay home, when who appears at my feet....Sophie! Where she was, I will never know. If she came in the dog door, if she found a corner I didn't in the house....all I know is it was a miracle to me and I collapsed in yet more sobs calling to everyone I found her. What a night that was. The sobs were not only for Sophie, but for all the grief I had been carrying, the loss of my precious, precious husband, the grief that this is my first Christmas without him and my first Disneyland trip without him.....A lot of "firsts' this year and there will be "firsts" this year as well. Disneyland ended up being a wonderful thing for me to do on Christmas. It was focused on the kids and watching their precious faces and it truly was "the happiest place on earth" for them. Annika especially. Everything was beauty and wonder to her and she skipped thru Disneyland singing and dancing. What complete joy that was for me to watch. So much better than being at home staring at a Christmas tree with ornaments Barry and I had collected thru the years and knowing no one would get me gifts like he did. He knew my hearts desire and always got me wonderful gifts. A music box....a weekend away...a banjo... a gps...Yes a gps. I'm "directionally challenged" shall we say. I'm still learning how to find my way thru things, even with google maps. Alas, the gps went missing a month ago. But, my compass is still the same. Pointed toward the heavens. I talk to Barry a lot. It seems to calm me down. I cry when I talk to him and I miss the every day sharing and hand holding. We were big on holding hands and hugging. I miss that more than I can tell you. Last year, we were in Fort Ross near the ocean ringing in the new year. This year it began with taking the dog out to potty in wind and rain, then snuggling back down in bed to read the paper, drink coffee and treat my self to a boston cream pie toaster strudel and cuddling Sophie. This year will bring about many changes, I'm sure. I may lose my house, who knows what will happen with Barry's business,. Will I declare bankruptcy or not? Do I move this year? All I know is I will keep my eyes on Jesus first and foremost to help guide me and be my compass for the things ahead I cannot forsee. Let us pray that the new year brings joy and health to all of you. I cannot think of better blessings.