The Worst

The worst news ever....stage IV. Its basically everywhere. After waiting anxiously alllll day to hear about the PET scan, my husband finally called at 3:30 on Tuesday the 27th and all I heard was his quavering voice saying, "its not good news". It had spread to his chest, his lungs, his spine and was back in his lymph nodes. I was at work and immediately started crying, hung up the phone and wanted to scream so badly! I kicked the counter and fell into a heap saying, " No no NOOOO!!" My poor boss. I finally composed myself long enough to go tell my boss who looked like a deer in the headlights and he told me to go home. I had to go sit in my car for a bit to compose myself enough to go home. I called my mom, my sis and some friends and drove home to hug my husband. His parents were there looking stricken. The pastor came over. My mom and stepdad came over. Some friends came over. We all prayed. This has spread so quickly, so aggresively if this is not treated he will be gone by the end of the year if not sooner. But! There is a ray of hope....and I cannot tell you how desperately I am clinging to that hope. There is a clinical trial of a drug, specifically for the B-RAF gene that, amazingly enough, Barry has. We asked Kaiser to do genetic testing on Barry and our doc said he would look into it, and never said anything else about it. Apparently, he had him tested for it. Well thank God he did. So now we have to find a clinical trial somewhere in the country and FAST for him to get on this drug. There is a chance he could get on a trial in San Francisco which would be amazing....we think it starts in May. We are hoping and praying that this would be a miracle that would turn this around. I seriously, cannot imagine...absolutely CANNOT imagine my life without this wonderful man. We have many people who are praying frantically . I'm praying right here in this blog....Dear Lord and Saviour....this husband of mine, this wonderful man whom I love with all my heart is going to leave me soon if not for a miracle. I humbly ask for your intervention in this, my Lord....to find him a clinical trial, that he be given this medication and for this medication in conjuction with YOU, dear Father, to be a miracle healing for him. Please, God. You don't want him yet. Please let him live here on earth for awhile longer with me....a long while if it be Your will. I beeseech you, and implore you and boldly ask for a miracle.
In Jesus name,
Amen

The Sunshine State of Denial

Ahhh...the beautiful State of Denial....a happy place, where the skies are always blue, time stands still and everything is "normal". I would like to buy real-estate there. Problem is, you can't buy there, you can only rent. And the landlord is a mean guy named Dose O. Reality. And he can kick you out at any time, kicking and screaming. Thats how most people leave, and I was one of them. You have probably noticed that I haven't written in awhile....thats cuz I was living in the most beautiful rented house in the above named state when the stinky landlord came and booted me out. *sigh* After Barry's radiation was done, we had a lovely few weeks of "normalcy." Barry's energy still isn't what it used to be, but it was improving, and we went and had some fun with some friends at dinner for my birthday, had a GREAT time, also went and looked in antique stores and found little treasures (no buying, just looking) and generally just enjoyed each others company. Barry went to work every day and so did I....just did the usual everyday stuff and ya know what? It was heaven. I enjoyed every single minute of it. Then BAM! Barry had pain in his sternum area when he took a deep breath. And there it was....fear. I told him to call his doctor, which he did and was advised to go to Urgent Care...which he did. They did a bunch of tests for his heart, which was appropriate, but no chest x-ray, which I thought, given his diagnosis, would be standard. I called the doctors office and made them order one, and he had one done with his brain MRI which was already schedueled. And there it was....a spot on his lung. Not just fear now.....terror. They could not tell it what it was, we would have to wait for the PET scan on Monday. My lovely state of denial was over and now appeared the little black cancer cloud that seems to follow every cancer patient I know. It just appears and disappears at its own whim, never letting you know when its gonna appear and turn your stomach into jello and your knees to oatmeal. I push it away and turn my eyes toward the sun (and the Son!) and try not to let it eat me alive....but you always know its there. And so....we wait. Again. and again. And then in the middle of all of this, BAM! a tiny miracle of life, born to my sweet niece. She had a problem pregnancy with cysts on the placenta. The doctors said, after delivering the baby(she was 2 months premature) that it was a miracle that Kim kept her in her uterus for so long. And if they had delivered her even one day later, it all could have had a completely different outcome for both baby and mother. So sweet baby Ella is a testament to God's timing and that miracles still happen. I'm waiting, hoping, and trusting my Lord and hoping He will throw a miracle my way.