Valentines Day

So this is the first year I've been without my love in 35 years. But I'm not crumbling. We never made a huge deal out of valentines day....no gifts. But usually a card came my way and Barry usually brought me flowers. He always made sure he got a card that said "Sweetheart" on it. Thats because he never used those terms of endearment with me. I was not "Sugar" or 'Honey" or "Lovey" or anything even close to that. He called me Jan. Period. Sometimes Hey You. Seriously, he just didn't call me anything special. So the very first time he got me a valentine that said "Sweetheart" on it in 1976 I was delighted. It was the only time he ever said that type of endearment. So this is the first time I don't get a sweetheart card from my sweetheart. But yet, I still have the love. It doesn't go away. So I can love him from here and know that he is always in my heart. I must have said "I love you" to him a million times since he died. I talk to him a lot. I tell him stuff I'm going through. As I tell it to Barry, I'm telling it to God as well. And my life is still changing.

My daughter Amy is not living with me anymore since I basically had to kick her out. She was using again. And heavily. My other daughter Laura and I found meth bags, meth pipes and syringes and needles in her room as well and a lot of other disgusting things. That room was a mess. She was not tending to Amiah, even when she was living with me. There was a huge blowup over a specific incident and I ordered her out. She took the baby with her (Amiah, almost 2 years old) which frightened me, but I had no control. I knew Amy would not be able to handle her for any length of time. She finally called my friend Stephanie who had told her to call her when she needed help and Stephanie came and got Amiah from her. Steph had her while I took a long planned trip to Boise to visit one of my best friends, Holly. Dear, sweet Holly let me just cry my eyes out over this during our visit. She does that so well.....just lets me cry and helps me thru it. Other than that little breakdown, we had a wonderful time hanging out and visiting, but this whole thing was like a little black cloud over our visit. So now I have Amiah and my amazing friends are again, coming to my rescue. Steph will take her a couple of days a week,(she is an angel!!) as will many of my other friends who have offered help so I can keep working. My friends are also helping me out with paperwork and crib mattresses and doing some leg-work for me so I can help my grand-daughter, who literally is the sweetest thing on the face of the earth. Have I mentioned how much I love my friends? I don't know if anyone is as blessed as I am with the amazing group of friends I have. It continually blows me away how wonderful they are.

I know that some people feel I am enabling Amy to live a life of partying and drug using and probably a portion of that is true. If Amy feels her daughter is safe, then she is free to party and do as she wants. My way of looking at it is I cannot punish my grand-daughter for the sins of the mother. Amy is going to use no matter what. I want Amiah safe and cared for. I can help her. I cannot help Amy if she does not want help. There are two ways of looking at this and the bottom line is I made a decision to help someone who is an innocent bystander of this demon drug use. I would do the same for any of my other grandchildren if their mother fell victim to this or had a horrible bout of depression or was suicidal or whatever. Addiction is an illness like anything else and requires a lot of help to get out of it. I just wish there was a pill or something to help as well, but there's not. Just good old fashioned will power. And turning to God. And I pray BIG time for my daughter Amy to be rid of this demon of drug use. I know she feels guilty and she does not like what she is doing, but right now she is powerless over its hold on her. I pray for the miracle of a "wake up call" for her. There is help out there if she seeks it. Over and over we have told her that. So for the moment, I am a grandparent, parenting again and so grateful for the help my friends and family have given me with this sweet little, almost 2 year old precious human. Please Amy, seek help. We love you and will not stop praying for you to see the light and remember what is important.....Amiah. Her life is precious and so is yours.