What a week....

So Barry is on antibiotics for his pneumonia, but he has gone downhill so fast its staggering. He basically has been in bed for 2 weeks. He walks and talks like a little old man...slow, shuffling steps, very weak voice...you can hardly hear him. He pants like a dog, because of the pain. I have been incredibly depressed over this whole thing, cuz it looks like he is dying in front of me. The wasting away of this precious body is just too much for me to bear. One night, while I was awake with him at 3am (which is the norm these days) , I asked him if he had been taking his Prozac. He said no. Then I asked him when was the last time he had taken his blood sugar or his insulin....he couldn't remember. Really? are you kidding me?? so then I got mad and asked him if he was planning on dying of kidney failure before the cancer got him?? I was so ticked off I was crying. I asked him if he had given up, cuz thats the way it was looking to me. He said " no, not yet, but I understand why people do give up now. I've just been fighting to get the pain under control and survive." I told him he was not gonna survive much longer if he didn't get off his ass and move around some more and take his medications! If he was planning on giving up and dying then let me know and I will call UCSF and tell them to give the pills to someone else. (We are STILL waiting for Roche to approve him on the trial. I'm telling you, this waiting is just agonizing). He said he would try harder. And bless his heart....he is. He actually got out of bed yesterday and ate some stuff and hung out for Julie's birthday celebration. Then today he is going out to lunch with one of his friends. He is having a lot of stomach issues. Its so hard for him to eat, because he gets cramps and either constipation or diarrhea. Poor guy. He really is fighting hard. It can't be easy. I pray and pray....so does he and so do our friends. I'm gonna say it again ....Cancer sucks. It's harder than I ever imagined it is. No matter how hard you think it is, you end up wishing it were that easy. Keep fighting my love....keep fighting.