Cancer. The word that strikes fear in the heart of most people. And I am most people. My dad died of brain cancer and my husband has just been diagnosed with melanoma in his lymph nodes. I lost one man I loved to cancer and I'm sure as heck not gonna lose another if I can help it. The more I read about it, the scarier it gets. I need to stop reading. I need to sleep. I need to cherish every day. The list can go on forever on things I need to do. My husband will go into surgery tomorrow to have this mass removed and all I can think about is how our life is going to change. A new "normal" will begin. When the biopsy came back positive my legs almost buckled. Being in the medical field, I know how these things tend to go. I know too much. The Dr. said there would be no surprises...he's going to go in and get the tumor and then we'll plan a therapy after that with the oncologist.
**So.....after the surgery....there was a surprise...a bad one. The tumor was much larger than anticipated. I kept looking at the clock during the surgery. The doctor said it would take about an hour. Well , an hour came and went...and went...and went. 2 1/2 hours later, the doctor came out looking grim. He said because the tumor was so large it took much longer than anticipated. That from his standpoint, he got as much as he possibly could see, touch and feel, but the likelihood that is has spread is 100%. He said it could be years, or months, depending. Nothing else showed up on the PET scan because what is in his system (blood or lymph nodes) is too microscopic to see yet. But he says he is certain it is spreading.
Sucker punch.
Blind-sided.
I could feel the blood draining from my face as he was talking. He kept looking at me, like he was waiting for me to faint. My mother in law grabbed my hand and kept talking to him saying "Thats not what we wanted to hear"....Thats an understatement. I felt like I was going to faint. After he left, I called my mom and my friend Ardys. My mother in law told me it was okay to cry....not yet....not yet. I have to process this first. I made my phone calls....then sat down, put my head in my hands and cried and cried. My beautiful husband....the man I love with all my heart, soul and mind....who loves me unconditionally, has put up with me and deals with my craziness.....has a shortened lifetime?? No...no....He and I have to celebrate our 50th anniversary. We have cruises to go on, grandchildren to play with and watch recitals and soccer games....What the hell? Now I was getting mad. Cancer was NOT going to take my husband....this generous man who denies me nothing. All I wanted to do was see him, hold him and tell him its all gonna be okay. When I finally got in there, the doctor had told him the news. He looked upset. I just held his hand and kissed him and told him that its gonna be okay. Its gonna be just you and me, and we'll fight this thing. Going home that night and crawling into bed all by myself was so hard....so hard. All I could think about was ....is this how its gonna be soon? The bed with no hubby to touch in the middle of the night? No one to hold my hand when I need it? To hold me after a bad dream? Not possible. I watched my mom to thru this and I sure as hell don't want to go thru that. Depression set in. Couldn't sleep. All I wanted was my husband home. He came home the next day, thank God. And then he told me about his dream.....
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