The Circle of Life

Yes, I know its corny, but its true. There is a circle of life. As one beautiful soul left this planet, a new beautiful soul entered in 2 months later. Eva Elizabeth arrived on 11-3-10, born to Laura and Mike. It was a difficult birth, but my daughter was a champ, pushing thru the blinding pain for hours to give her little daughter life. Little Eva was in what they call "military position", which means her little chin wasn't tucked down. I told Laura it was because daddy was whispering to her to keep her chin up in life and Eva took it quite literally. Laura's labor kind of reminded me of myself and a different kind of pain, and how I am pushing through it. And at times it is blinding. I likened it one day to an ocean of grief....how you sometimes are able to dog paddle and sometimes you are sucked down by the undertow and you have to fight your way to the top to breathe again. Since I seemed to be getting sucked down a lot, I finally called my doctor and have started some anti-depressants which seem to keep me on a little more even keel. Not quite so many undertows, or I've learned to use some water wings, one or the other. I still miss him every day, and talk to him every day. I've learned how to sleep more toward the middle of the bed, but I still keep one of his flannel shirts wrapped around his pillow, so I can still smell it. Sometimes it makes things better, sometimes it makes the grief worse. It depends on the day. But with all the dark, rainy days coming up and all the holidays, I just felt like I should do something to stave off cold, stark depression that seemed to be getting a grip on me. On the surface, I seem to be doing okay, but its like the old adage about the duck, who seems to glide effortlessly on the surface, but is paddling like mad underneath. There are days when I haven't cried, which is amazing to me. I'm still sad, but the tears don't flow as much as they used to. Doesn't mean I don't miss him, I do. Terribly. Always will. Miss the cheerful hello on the other end of the phone when I called him every day on the way home from work. Miss the hugs, the cuddling, the talking to someone at the end of the day about how things went at work, and just plain loneliness at night. But it IS getting better....little by little, day by day. Baby Eva's arrival seemed to help a bit. I'm anxious to see her little personality shine through and see if she has any of her grampa's traits. For now, I'm grateful for the circle of life. For life. Period.