I have never been alone

This title has so many meanings. I have never been alone in life in two ways. #1: I went from my parents house to being married. I was never on my own. Never had an apartment all to myself. Never paid all the bills by myself. Never had to go to a movie by myself....Never had to make a major financial decision by myself. I always had Barry to go to for help, or before that, my parents. I blithely let Barry deal with all the mortage stuff, tax stuff, robbing-Peter-to-pay-Paul scenarios.....I just let him worry about it cuz he was better at it. He handled all the money...still does. My checking account pays for groceries, birthday stuff and Christmas...I do all the Christmas stuff with very few exceptions...and all the emergency stuff that comes up....like water heaters breaking, new dryers etc and also all the "fun stuff"....movies, out to dinner, etc. So to even think about my husband not being here to deal with all that stuff kinda freaks me out. He has all his stuff on QuickBooks....I have no clue how to use it. He keeps all the bills and stuff down at the shop...I never see any of it. When the computer breaks down, he fixes it. I know nothing about computers. I think I want a laptop cuz then if it breaks I just walk it into the computer store and have it fixed. No huge monitors or towers or hard-drives....I have just been so blissfully unaware of all this stuff. When appliances break, Barry fixes them or deals with the warranties and makes the phone calls. I have been so pampered in life. I just never realized it. Now I'm facing cancer and life alone after Barry. Not that he is dying right now....but the realization that its gonna happen sooner rather than later is daunting and terrifying. The thought of me dealing with house issues, taxes, finances, life insurance, car problems is overwhelming. Do you know how nice it is being married to a mechanic? I never had to worry about anything....smog inspections, water hoses breaking, insurance, registration....Barry took care of that. I cannot imagine my life without this man. Living on my own. To say I'm scared is an understatement. But here is the other way I've never been alone: God is always there. My friends and family have come thru for me in ways I never thought possible. God has a plan and there are somedays I'm not even sure what to pray for. I always ask that I get many, many more years of married life to this man, for health for him, for the cancer to just GO AWAY, but I know so much about this disease and every doctor we have been to looks and says "you know this is a tough diagnosis..." or something to that effect. They are NOT optimistic at all and always have this grim look on their face. That doesn't help me. Not that I want them to be all happy and perky, but hey...come one. Tell me SOMETHING positive....please. So I pray for a miracle. My friend from church lost her husband to cancer 6 months ago at a young age and she is going thru a terrible time....such a sweet couple...so in love. I look at her and think "there I will be in awhile" and I HATE that thought....hate it hate it hate it. But I just keep looking to the Lord to sustain me , and so far He has, as well as my friends....every step of the way. For that, I am truly thankful.

Interferon is tough to take

They warned us....they said it could be tough, but wow. I had no idea how brutal this would be on Barry. Its not like chemo. This is a five day a week, hour and a half infusion of interferon for one month and it has knocked Barry on his butt. The first day, immediately after the first infusion he got the shakes so bad he almost cracked a tooth he was shivering so badly. The nurses rushed to put mountains of warm blankets on him and the drive home was hard, even with the heat blasting at 80 degrees it was hard. The second day my friend brought a large "bib" that you can microwave and lay on him which was an enormous help. By then end of the week the shakes started to lessen, but he got raging fevers...one day it was 103. Then he sweats it off. Its so hard to watch. The first day after I finally got the shakes taken care of and he drifted off into sleep I went out into the dining room and just sobbed. He has a bit of reprieve over the weekend, but he is so fatigued, which is totally unlike him. They even had him start on Prozac because they said this can really get you down. Barry is in good spirits though for the most part. We have sooo many people ready and willing to help him out. I have to work (someone has to bring home a paycheck....which is a whole other story with Barry being unable to work) so my friends are pinch-hitting for me, driving Barry to his appointments since he is not able to drive if he gets the shakes. I have arranged for 4 weeks of people to take him, but it still bothers me big time that I can't take him. Its my husband, my responsibility, and I WANT to be there to take care of him, but I can't. I'm learning to let it go, but its hard. My friends have been absolutely amazing and they are so anxious to help and its my job to let them. One of the many, many things I'm going to be learning thru this experience. I sitll have moments of "I don't WANT to be alone...I don't WANT to be a widow this young...I'm afraid" but I also have to learn to just live in the moment and appreciate every single day. We have no idea how this will turn out, but being in the medical profession, I know how others have turned out and its not so good. We are looking into a lot of different things, but right now, just getting him thru this treatment is an odyssey all by itself. Crying is an every day occurence now...sometimes it helps, sometimes not. But I am still choosing joy, over everything else. There is still joy to be had. I still have my husband....He's still here. He's still here.

Roller Coaster

Wow....emotional roller coaster is all I can say. We met with the oncologist and he was pretty matter of fact, with no emotion. He came in and said with no emotion "Well if the spot on his back is cancer, then he has stage IV and the therapy changes drastically"....Again....blood draining from my face. Stage IV is the worst...very dire. Not to say that there is no hope, but the chances go WAY down. We cannot biopsy the spot because it is inside the vertebrae and to do so would mean drilling thru the bone to get there and thats not wise at this point. So....all we can do is wait 3 more months and do a repeat PET scan and see if the spot has gotten bigger, or spread to different areas of the body. Talk about scaring the pee out of me. So, I have all my friends fervently praying for a miracle. That the spot is NOT cancer. That if it is cancer....please God...you can change it. Barry has stage III right now, which is not great, but we have a fighting chance. The interferon starts on Monday for 30 days. We also are seeing a radiation oncologist tomorrow to see if there is any need for radiation on his surgery site because of all the cancer that was found there, into the muscle tissue. Do you know they removed 21 out of 34 lymph nodes in him?? I can't believe it grew so fast. Thats what scares me. I am cherishing every kiss, every snuggle , every word, every laugh.....The love of my life. He cannot leave me yet. I won't let him. Please God.....I need him for a long, long time yet.