The love of my life slipped into Jesus arms on Thursday September 2 ,2010. On Monday night he had a terrible night of vomiting all night long. In the morning I called the doctor and and said he needed some hydration. With my my moms help, we barely got him into the car and he even vomited in the car. With the help of a wheelchair we got him to the infusion suite where the nurses got one look at him, got him into a bed and called the doctor. The doctor came in, looked at him and beckoned me out of the room and said simply "he's dying". Then he went into Barry and told him gently but firmly, "my friend, you are dying". Barry looked at him in disbelief and said "So its come to that?" The doctor nodded. They hooked him up to some hydration and some anti- nausea medicine, made him comfortable and kept him overnight in the hospital where he was barrraged by visitors coming in to see him. A friend of ours looked him in the eye and asked "Do you know what is happening to you?" He said, " I'm dying". She asked him if he was afraid. He nodded. She asked if he knew where he was going. He nodded. She asked if he was afraid for those around him. He again nodded. After everyone left and I spent the night with him in that hospital room, I kept assuring him I would be okay. The girls would be okay....the grandkids, parents, sister, everyone.....we would all be okay. And if he heard the voice of Jesus calling him, it was okay to repsond. He was non responsive all night. We were able to take him home on Wednesday with hospice and he seemed to be much more relaxed being at home. My sister, my beloved sister and her daughter Kim changed thier flight plans and was able to meet me at my house on Wednesday when he came home. My sister and I spent the night with him, taking turns sleeping on the couch. He actually gave me two kisses first thing in the morning. After that, he was non responsive again. His sister arrived that afternoon. By a little after 6 I noticed his breathing had slowed considerably and that there was more time in between breaths. I told his parents it could be anytime. I called the girls in from the garage where they were talking. Between his parents, sister, me and the girls, we were all with him, holding his hands, stroking his arms, hair, feet, whatever we could touch.....and he took his last breath. I said, "he's gone". ....stood there for a minute while the girls wept uncontrollably they I let go with wail that was so uncharaceristic of me.....screamed from the depths of my soul and collapsed in a heap on the ground. Helpless to stand. I have felt grief before. I lost my maternal grandfather when I was 9, my paternal grandmother when I was 13, my father when I was 17, my grandmother when I was in my 40's....but this....this. This is unlike any grief I have ever felt in my soul. Gut wrenching, soul twisting, undefinable grief. A chapter was now closed. I was no longer a wife, I was a widow. I no longer had a partner to cling to and snuggle with and help pay bills to hold my hand when I was scared. People kept saying "he's out of pain, he is at rest". I know that. I KNOW he is with Jesus in heaven, beyond a shadow of a doubt. But right now, the pain of NOT having him here with me superceeds all of that right now. I cannot pray....I just cry out to God to help me, help me help me. I cannot do this. He lost the battle with cancer and he kept saying he was not ready to go. He was still planning a fishing trip in October. But the battle was won between Satan and God. He is with God and Satan has lost . Barry is in heaven and well and I pray he was looking down on us this morning with love and all his kids and grandkids were in church trying to support me. That was a miracle in itself. Julie and girls spent the night and Tobin got up in the morning and found one of his grampas shirts and wore it to church. When the Pastor was talking about how Barry was now in heaven, Tobin just began to cry and cry and cry. His mom took him out....it was just too much for him. I had to step out as well. But then we sang one of my favorite songs, a song that we will sing at his celebration, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord". How we still praise Him. How there is still joy in unbearable sorrow. I'm not going to be "happy" for a long while, but I can still find joy. It is still there. The joy of the Lord is my strength. My love is not with me, beside me anymore and before he went I must have kissed him a million times. The shell of him is gone and he has a new body a new mansion and a joy that surpasses anything we can even imagine. For now, I will soldier on alone, with loving friends and family to help thru the way....to hold me up when I cannot bear it. I still trust Him. And I will see my love again and he will wait for me. Until that day, I will continue to trust. I will continue to love. And I will continue to find joy even amidst the copious tears that are wept every day and thru the nights. The battle has been lost, yet ulitmatley, won, all because of Jesus and His love for us. And in that, there is joy.
I just sat down to write an article, from my perspective, on Barry's passing, and the spirit-battle we must all fight. As I usually do when I write, I read the recent blogs of those I follow. And so I read this.
ReplyDeleteThe tears are now flowing, and I cannot see to read or write. Perhaps my crying will lessen your tears, I do not know.
But what I do know, dear friend, is that, as God was merciful with Barry, so He will be with you. He is watching you in your grief, and His heart is touched by it. And He will give the balm that only He possesses, to ease your pain.
We wish we were closer, so that we could be among those bearing you up, but it appears there is a long line of true friends who are there for you. This is a blessing of a life well lived, and we praise God for it.
Thank you for enduring the pain of writing this account. Those of us who care so deeply for you and Barry, are glad to know the details, but would understand if you chose not to share it. It's another evidence of your selflessness. It takes courage to make yourself so vulnerable, and yet it's what makes so many want to be your friend.
You and Barry have fought together valiantly, and Barry has gained the victory. Now you must continue to fight without him. However, you are not alone. Barry is now among that "crowd of witnesses" surrounding you, and never forget, there is also One that "sticks closer than a brother" who will guide you the rest of the way.
Finally, take comfort in the fact that you are an inspiration to all those looking on, and have been gathering jewels for your own crown of righteousness, "which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to [you] in that day--and not only to [you], but also to all who have longed for his appearing."
I echo Howard's words, Jan.
ReplyDeleteAs you described your grief, unlike any you had ever experienced, I had this mind picture of the "two shall be one", and you,being torn in half.
Just as certainly as our Heavenly Father knit you together in your mother's womb, He will knit you back together now and bring healing. Not that I think you will ever be the same, or that you will ever not "miss" that "half" of your being. I can only imagine...
And, pray.
I love you, my friend.
Dearest JanJan,
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you. The tears I see falling down my face are for your loss. I too loved Barry, you two, I have known since i was a little girl. I thank God for allowing me to meet you two. I love you and I pray for you. I to this day recall the story about my meeting you, of how Aunt Holly said " we are going to Jan's" and my eyes widden thinking it was my godmother jan but then she said " no not that Jan but JanJan." and from then on you have always been JanJan, and that will never change. I dont know what I would do if I ever went through this but I know that you are stronger than me and can get through this with all those who love you!
With Love Always and forever,
Heather Aiko