Gambling with a life

This is an image from our weekend away for our 33rd anniversary. Thank you God that we were able to celebrate it, although it was cut a little short because Barry had a VERY bad day on Sunday. So much pain, short of breath....this just gets harder and harder on him and on me of course....because what he feels, I feel. When he has a good day, so do I and when he has a bad day, so do I. That "the two shall become one" deal that they say at weddings is absolutely true. So in the meantime, Barry did NOT get on the trial at UCSF. There were only 6 slots available....6. Of course they were snatched up immediately. UCSF is petitioning for 4 more slots , but we have no idea when they will be available. So the question is.....do we wait to see when it becomes available, or do we get on another drug called ipilumumab that takes 6 weeks to work and is not specific for the B-RAF gene? Our Kaiser doctor wants him on the ipi NOW. The St. Mary's doc and the UCSF docs want him to wait and try the Plexicon first to get the disease under control. What to do? How to gamble with a life of someone you love? So we are on a mission to find a clinical trial anywhere in the U.S. to see if someone has a slot available. After numerous calls, we found out that the drug manufacturer only alloted 50 slots nationwide....50! If we can't find a clinical trial soon, we will start the ipilumumab. Problem with that is, it takes 6 weeks to "kick in" before any results are seen. Barry seems to be going downhill rapidly and it tears my heart to pieces. He is in such pain, has little appetite, and has shortness of breath. I wake up every night and watch him sleep, to make sure he is breathing. How long do we wait to see if a trial appears? The nurse at Kaiser told him flat out, "you don't have much time. You need to get on something NOW." That scared Barry to his very core. So we are praying for a miracle of some sort. Either he gets on a trial quick, or that God shuts all doors so we know that we must go on the ipilumumab. Wisdom is seriously needed and I keep turning to God, cuz I can't do this alone. I surrender it Lord.....please show Barry and me what to do. I just want my husband here for a longer time. I want 34 years of marriage at least......I hope I can draw another picture in the sand this same time next year that says, "Barry and Jan ..34 and counting".