Coming up for air

Breathe. Breathe. I feel like I've been sucked into ocean of grief. Plunged in with no air supply. Must fight to breathe, only to have to feel your lungs exploding until you finally, finally struggle to the surface to take in a quick breath, only to find yourself tugged down by the ankles again to the abyss of grief. Since I last wrote, we have had the memorial service and what a service it was. Attended by 386 people, packed, packed church with the most awesome music by my praise team. Barry was honored, God was glorified which is what we wanted. My friends have been so incredibly amazing I cannot even begin to find the words to honor them. My sister, staying by my side, sleeping in my bed, holding my hand. My friend Holly from Boise coming out to hold me up, also sleeping in my bed so I would not feel so alone, gently and tenderly leading me through the worst moments of my life....Michele and my church friends (I call them my posse) calling me daily, coming by almost daily, calling, texting, e-mailing me....cards upon cards....so many I had to get a giant basket to hold them all. People have come forward with money and offers of help around the house and to take me out to lunch.....its incredible the amount of love I have been shown. When I whispered to Barry before he died, I said' Its okay honey, I have help. People will help me. It's okay to go. I love you , I love you , I love you"....I didn't even have a clue how much help I had. I took 4 weeks off of work to deal with the amazing amount of paperwork you have to do when someone dies and also, apparently, I am now the business owner of The Car Doctor. ....wow. There is also a staggering amount of debt to deal with, which is why Barry said he was not ready to go. I know he wanted to get this in order before he passed, but he went sooo quickly. None of us were prepared for him to deteriorate this fast....least of all him. But I have had help with that as well and none of this is going to go away easily or quickly. This will be a very long, long ordeal. So, I am thanking God for the wonderful friends and family who have stuck by my side and keep calling and texting and e-mailing to see how I am. How am I?..... hmmmm. Good question. Grief is a funny animal. Somedays I feel strong and feel like I can handle being alone. Then those are those other days....the days when I feel like I'm mired in mud. Going forward is a HUGE effort and you have all this stuff stuck to your shoes that doesn't seem to go away, even after you wash them with oceans of tears. I cry every morning when I wake up, because I used to roll over and hug him every morning before I got up. I cry every night going to bed because the bed feels huge and empty. I cry on the way to work just because I can. Then came sad news that my Uncle Bill passed away very suddenly two weeks ago and that hit like a ton of bricks. Then another member of our congregation's husband, also named Barry, died of pancreatic cancer the end of September. Grief, grief everywhere. This other Barry was diagnosed a month after Barry. This past weekend we commemorated my Barry on his birthday by going out on his boat on Friday, with Ryan (our "son"), leading the way and toasting him on his would be 54th birthday. Sad, yet joyful. Then Saturday went to my Uncle Bills memorial and while it was wonderful to catch up with the cousins and my Aunt Judy, saw pictures of long ago when my dad was alive and my gramma Howard too.....memories galore. Sad and poignant and some laughter as well. Then on Sunday went to Barry Baums service and the new widow and I exchanged sad, yet knowing looks and promised to have lunch with each other soon. We both know how awful this September has been. I'm still waiting until I can laugh with abandon again. Still waiting "til I can sleep thru the night without pharmaceutical help. Still waiting until I get to heaven for that joyful reunion with the love of my life....until then, I will breathe.....breathe....breathe.