Being Grateful

Today, as I was getting ready for work and reflecting on this day in my life 4 years ago, I was struck by how different my life is now than when I envisioned what my life would be like 4 years ago.  Four years ago, I felt like my life had ended.  I remember so clearly the moment Barry passed away and I crumbled to the floor thinking in that very instant, my status went from married to widowed.  From having a husband, to being alone....no partner in life... having to mark either "single" on any form I filled out.  How would I go on?  What would I do?  Never having lived by myself, I was worried how I would do it because 33 years ago I went from my parents house to my husbands house.  What would I do about finances? Barry's business, life insurance etc.  So many things to do and worry about  .And my future?  What would that look like?  I saw a lonely future ahead of being the" fifth wheel" at all my friends houses when I was invited over, and always being the odd man out at weddings when everyone was slow dancing with their spouses and me looking on with tears in my eyes.  Never in my life would I have believed that 4 years later I would be married to another man whom I love so dearly, who loves me as much as a man could love a woman....that I would be living in a beautiful house on a golf course.....that I would have a wonderful life.  The point of all this is....we DON'T KNOW what life is going to bring us.  Just when things may seem hopeless, God knows and will be there.  Your life WILL get better.  There were a few years I didn't think that I could get through all that was happening in my life.  Barry was gone, finances were a mess, my daughter was a mess and I was raising my grand-daughter.....I wasn't sure if I could get through another day, but with God's help, and help from friends and family, I made it through.   YOU can make it through too.  It will get better.  Look to God and to your friends and family.  People are willing to help, you just have to "put it out there" , if you will.  I have learned so much in these last four years.  My life isn't perfect by any means and there will always be stress and rotten things that happen.  But I have a faith that sustains me, friends and family who love me and a God who is forever there for me.  For all of this, I am truly grateful.

Conflicted

Yup, I am feeling conflicted.  Today would have been Barry and my 37th wedding anniversary.  This is the first year I am married to my wonderful husband Donn and "celebrating" my anniversary with my late husband Barry.  How does one do this?  While I am so content and happy with my new husband, I don't ever want to forget what Barry and I had.  While my marriage to Barry was never perfect, it was a good marriage, especially the last eight years.  I am so grateful that we had those last, wonderful years together .....that we traveled some, and hardly ever argued about anything because we knew each other so well. I would hope everyone in a marriage would have those kind of years.  What a blessing!  And now.....now I am married to a wonderful man who loves and cherishes me as I love and cherish him.  One of the things I missed most after Barry passed away was the feeling of being cherished.  Once again, God has blessed me abundantly with a man who is wonderful to me in every way.  How is it possible to feel so happy and content, while still mourning the loss of my late husband?  How can I feel the love of my present husband and still feel the presence and love my my late husband?  I have "introduced" Donn to Barry.....taken him by the grave site where his picture is on the gravestone.  He has been so supportive of me when I do this, although he does admit its kind of awkward, and that he is a bit jealous of the loving relationship we had all those years, that he feels  he was cheated out of in his past.  So how do I reconcile these feelings?  Excellent question.  Anyone have an excellent answer?  All I can do, is feel what I feel...being thankful that I had a wonderful marriage to Barry and a wonderful marriage to Donn.  I still miss Barry.  I always will.....how could you NOT miss that goofy, generous guy?  He will be in my thoughts today as I contemplate what I had with him and as I feel love and gratefulness for the marriage I have today.  Happy anniversary Barry.....you were so loved in your lifetime.  I will see you in heaven.   Thank you Donn, for loving me and being in my life.  Most importantly, all glory goes to God for His ever present love in time of need and in times of joy.  Conflicted? yes.  Loved? yes.  Grateful, yes yes and yes. God is good, all the time.  ALL the time.  

Engaged!!

Soooo....yes, I'm engaged!!  So many of you have wished me well and also many of you have expressed some mild concern over the "sudden" engagement.  Its actually not sudden, but it does seem soon.  I get it. It DOES seem soon.....and yet it doesn't.  In my last post, I explained how all this came about.  Donn and I spent September through December just being friends....occasionally going out, but mostly texting and talking on the phone....getting to know each other .  The last thing I wanted to do was to start to seriously date someone that I didn't think was going to work out.  I wanted to make sure before we actually really started dating that this was something (and someone) I wanted to pursue.  I didn't want to lead him on at all and I didn't want to hurt him.  By the time we really, really started the "dating" process, we knew each other pretty well and knew we wanted to see if this was really going to work.  And I have to admit, it was very, very strange at first to hold hands with someone that wasn't Barry,  But, after a LOT of prayer and thought, it all started to feel okay.  Better than okay, it felt GOOD.  Donn has told me that he loved me from the very start and knew I was the one for him long before I knew it.  I was the one holding him off.....telling him to take it slow.  But by the time things really started going, I knew he was the one God had planned for me.  It's been very obvious.  I prayed that if this was NOT the one for me, to stop my feelings for him....to throw a huge obstacle in my path, to make it very obvious that this needed to stop immediately.  Nothing like that happened....in fact my love for him grew stronger.  He treats me like gold, wants nothing more than to make me happy, and vice versa.   Yes, we are in the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship.  Everything feels wonderful and good.  Yes, things will come up and yes, I will irritate the bejeebers out of him at some point and he will do the same to me.  But here is how I feel about all of this:  If you commit to someone, these things will work themselves out.  You don't "try on" the relationship by living together for awhile to see if it's going to work.  You either commit or you don't.  EVERY relationship has its ups and downs.  Everybody irritates each other every once in awhile.  But you work through it.  Barry had a problem with alcohol as many of you know.  Thankfully, he chose his family over alcohol ....and the bottom line is we worked it out.  I once asked Barry why we were still married in the heat of a rather ugly argument and he stated, "Because I promised".  And there it was, as simple as that.  We promised each other and we each honored that promise.
  At this stage of the game in my life, after everything that has happened, it feels so good to share some good news.  Donn and I both know that life is uncertain and we intend to grab as much joy out our lives as we can at the moment.   We both know for certain that we love each other and want to be together.  Things are falling into place and my family likes him as does my friends.  Its been 2 plus years since I lost my precious Barry.  We will never forget that man.  And those of you who have expressed concern, thank you.  I know you all do it out of love for me.  I have so many wonderful friends and family and you all are just looking out for me.....making sure I don't do anything stupid.  But I don't do stuff like this impetuously.  I'm not "in love with love", if you know what I mean.  It's not a "what the heck, lets give this a shot and see where it takes us" kind of thing.  This is the real deal.  There is really no time limit after someone loses a spouse as to when its "okay" to fall in love again.  It happens when it happens.  I'm profoundly thankful to God for putting this man in my life.  And I thank God for all my family and friends who worry about me, care about me and love me.  I'm really, really happy right now and feel incredibly blessed.  So there you have it.  I'm looking forward to the future!  Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Another mom's perspective

So much has happened in such a short time.  Since my last, very upbeat post, we had some devastating news on February 8th.  My youngest grandson, Patrick, 14 months old, was found unresponsive in his bed.  I got a frantic phone call from Danny asking me to come stay with the kids, because Patrick was in an ambulance on his way to the ER.  Rushing over there, I called MY mom to come stay with the kids because I wanted to see what was wrong with my grandson and lend support if I could.  When I got to the ER, I asked to see my grandson and his mom, I was greeted at the door by my Pastor whose face looked very grim.  He told me that Patrick was gone.  My knees buckled and I sank to the floor in absolute shock and horror.  I must have sat there for 5 minutes before I could get the strength to rise off the floor.  Tears , denial, wailing ensued and I felt like I couldn't breathe.  How could this happen?  After trying to gather myself together I was walked into the room where Julie and Danny were there.  Julie was holding that very cold, still, baby and the look on her face is something that will be etched into my memory forever.  The look was unbearable pain,  and a silent plea for me to "fix it".  As every parent knows, when your child is hurting, you want to fix it.  Make it go away.  When your child is little, a skinned knee, a hurt feeling is fixed with cuddles and cookies and some tender loving care.  As the child gets older, this no longer works the same.  You can still give cuddles and cookies and TLC, but they need to learn how to handle a lot of it themselves.  This obviously was one of those times when there was literally nothing I could do except say, "mommy's here honey....mommy's here".  The days that followed were filled with tears, tears, more tears and total shock.  We had to get memorial services together and make arrangements for a burial.  There is simply no way to prepare for any of this.  But  Danny and Julie did it, with the help and support of our loving church family and many, many friends. And this is the amazing part....  my daughter has a blog called The Progressive Parent which she started when she was pregnant with Patrick....all about raising children, breastfeeding, etc etc.  When she posted that Patrick had passed away, the outpouring of love and care was beyond anything I could have comprehended.  So many posts of sympathy and love, and then a fund was set up through her her followers to help with expenses.  An enormous amount was raised....and that was a good thing because there were enormous expenses with the hospital, memorial service and subsequent burial.  Then came a flood of people wanting to send Julie cards and notes....so a PO box was set up for that.  The amount of cards, letters, and gifts that people sent were overwhelming.  There were people from all over the WORLD, not just the United States.  She has cards, letters and gifts from people in Europe, Australia, South America etc....and the letters are so heartfelt.  I've only seen a very few, but the few I have seen have brought tears to my eyes. They are mostly from moms saying how when their little ones are fussy or they get impatient with their child, they think of Julie and little Patrick and instead of getting angry or frustrated, they are holding their children closer and thanking God for them. That alone is so wonderful.  That because of little Patrick, mothers and fathers all over the world and remembering that their child is a GIFT to them.  There are gifts for the kids and books to help Julie with grieving, flowers, checks, teddy bears, pictures.  So from this mothers perspective, there was something positive to come out of this.  My daughter is a very eloquent writer, always has been.  She was winning writing awards in grammar school. So it was no surprise to me when she started a blog and it immediately became popular. But all this....wow. I am and continue to be amazed by people and their generosity of spirit.
  And even when someone called Child Protective Services....and they descended on my daughters house and told her alllllll the things they wanted fixed and done and my poor grieving daughter and Danny found that inner strength I knew they both had and had that house clean and sparkling and organized and did everything that was requested of them (with a LOT of help, again, from so many wonderful people) and they passed with FLYING colors when CPS re-visited them and immediately closed the case.  As horrible as that was to go through, it did serve a purpose.  My daughter is now focused on putting together some furniture she got from Ikea to help organize her house and the house looks different than it did when little Patrick died.  His little things are organized and put away for now.  For the first time, Julie is home, alone, while the kids are in school.  That has to be a HUGE adjustment.  But she is doing it. Having lost my husband 2 and half years ago, I know what its like to grieve, but this is different.  This is a child  .  A baby.  I can't even begin to imagine it.  No mother can.  Its the unthinkable, the unimaginable.
  But again, there are good things that I can glean from this situation.....because I have to.  Because if I think about Julie without Patrick it causes terrible pain in my heart.  God has sent this dear man, Donn to help me through this.  He has shown that he is compassionate and loyal and loving.  He has not left my side through all of this and has been there to lean on and hold me up when I needed it.  He has shown me that he will be there when I need him , forever. I cannot thank God enough for the gift of this dear man.  God's timing is perfect.  Talk about true colors shining through....wow.  He has made a friend in all of my daughters and my grandchildren as well.  What a gift from God.  I'm very sorry he had to go through all of this at the beginning of our relationship, but we got through it together.  What a blessing!  And as usual, my friends, my posse has come through like I knew they would.  I have the most wonderful friends.  I will say it again and again.  My friends are the best.  Ever.
  Through all of this, I still have to trust God.  I still have to hold tight to His hand because I cannot do anything else.  I will never understand fully why God chose to take Patrick back to Himself, but when I get to Heaven, all will be made clear.  Patrick is getting to know his grampa Barry.  And I WILL see that little boy again.  I know it with every fiber of my being.  Heaven is looking better and better as I get older and older.  My days on this earth are numbered, as is everyone days.  With every day I am on this earth, I will find joy.  I will praise my Lord and Savior.  God bless us as we walk this earth, and let us never forget the miracle that life that is given to each of us.  Because of Patrick James Doyle, I will remember that every day.  Thank you Patrick for your gift to me.  Never forgotten, always loved.  Always.

Change of Status

When I had to change my status on Facebook from "married" to "widowed" I cried a lot.  I hated changing that status and it took me awhile to do it.  I hated being a widow.  I hated being the odd man out at functions.  But slowly, God worked on my heart and things became easier.  I became accustomed to saying ,"I'm a widow" without tearing up.  I took off my wedding ring after about a year and a half, because at a certain point, it seemed like a lie.  There was just a day, when it dawned on me I was NOT married anymore and it was put on my heart to take off the ring and put it in a precious spot for my daughters to have later.  I began to think about my life and where it would lead me.  And I became curious, quite frankly, if there was someone else out there for me.  I had this certain feeling that there was.  Now all of you know how very, very much I loved Barry and we would have had our 50 year anniversary if I would have my way.  However, God had another plan and I have to trust the Lord that I love so much.  So, with much trepidation and some curiosity, I logged onto Christian Mingle back in July.  I figured I would give it 3 months, and if nothing came of it, fine.  I can be alone without being lonely so much anymore.  And right away, I got a few e-mails.  Some were very nice, some were down right weird.  I spoke to a few people, and actually made a very nice friend from a man up in Washington who had gone thru a very similar experience and we kind of helped each other through some rough times.  But it was fairly obvious  that God destined us just to be friends. Then just as I was about to give up and think, "Okay, God, that's okay.....I'll wait longer.  No problem", I had a nice e-mail from someone named Donn.  He lived in town, he was fairly new to the area and was a pharmacy technician like me. He was also looking for a church family so of COURSE I said that my church family was the most wonderful thing to me ever!  So he started coming to church in October of last year and we met and ....well.....things have certainly progressed from there.  We began talking regularly on the phone, and seeing each other bit by bit.  And since the new year has come and gone, we have started seeing each other regularly.  He is a wonderful, Christian man, and we have so much in common.  Things are progressing nicely and it looks like we are in this for the long run.  So, with a some trepidation and a little curiosity to how some people will react, I'm going to change my status from "widowed" to "in a relationship".  I would ask you all to pray for God's direction in my life and in Donn's life.  Yes, it feels weird, and yes, it also feels wonderful.  May God bless each of you in your own journey!

Two whole years

Two years since my husband passed away.  On September 2 it will be 2 years.  I haven't written much on this blog, since most of it was created to keep people in touch with what was going on with Barry and then me.  So whats been going on with me?  Plenty.  I've been trying to keep myself busy.  Really, really busy.  Because when I'm busy I don't think about what I've been through.  When I stop and start to go over everything, I don't function very well.  Do I miss him?  Of course.  I will never, ever stop missing that crazy, adorable man.  But I have learned how to manage without him.  There are some things I will never be able to deal with myself, like how to fix the massage chair that he bought for me.  We finally figured out there was a blown fuse...but when we replace the fuse it immediately blows again.  Argh.  Its stuck in one position which annoys the beejeebers out of me, but....until someone comes over and starts monkeying with it, I won't be able to figure it out.  Anything mechanical baffles me and quickly makes me throw up my hands in surrender.  That was my husbands forte, not mine.  But as I was thinking the other day about what I miss the most about him, a number of things came to mind.....his smile, his daffy duck face he used to make when he felt sheepish about something, how he LOVED to get down on the floor with a puppy and just let the puppy jump all over him and lick his face; the way he used to try to cover up starting to get teary by making this little cough.....everyone who knew him knew that meant Barry had a lump in his throat and was getting ready to be teary.   But the thing that kept coming to the front of my mind was...his hands.  The feel of his hand in mine.  His rough hands with grease under his nails.  How they felt when he would put his arm around me, when he would touch my hand in the middle of the night.  We held hands most every night.  Either he or I would roll over in the middle of the night and reach for each others hand to hold.  It was just a nice thing to do and it reassured the both of us that we were there and that we loved each other.  How I miss that.  His hands were so rough from so many years of hard work.  A mechanics hands.  A do-ers hand.  I will forever miss that man in my life for a million little reasons....and for one big reason.  I loved him.  There is a Barry-sized hole in my heart that will never be filled, but I can survive.  I can function.  I stay busy.  I am amazingly grateful for what God has provided for me.  The blessings are still there and I make myself stop and say "thank you" to God every day for what He has done for me.  So I have learned these days to lean on another hand.  God's hand.  I may not be able to feel it physically, but I sure feel it emotionally.  He's there with me.  And really, ....so is Barry.

The bonds of sisterhood

The bonds of sisterhood are wonderful and weird at the same time. I have one sister...thats it. No brothers. When we were growing up together (at only 16 months apart) we played together and also hated each other. We were complete opposites. My sister didn't like being hugged and touched, I craved it. My sister played with dinosaurs and horse statues. I played with barbies and baby dolls. When we got older, my sister was a definite "hippie" type and I was a band nerd and super geek. But we also had things in common. We both sang and played musical instruments. In fact, one of my most treasured memories is playing the recorders together and struggling through "Awake thou Wintry Earth" and also me playing guitar and Sue playing piano and ripping it up playing "Classical Gas".....that was SO fun. One thing that my sister was obsessive about was getting a horse. She wanted one SO badly but financially my family just couldn't swing it. So finally when she was in 8th grade, my parents got her a dog named Sonny. They had a wonderful bond, but of course, my sister grew up, got married, moved, then divorced etc. The dog stayed at my mom's. So as much as my sister would have loved to have the dog with her, it wasn't feasible. So after a time, she got her very first Sheltie....her first dog that was totally hers....Dusty. I remember going with her picking him out here in Santa Rosa. A whole barn full of little Sheltie furballs. What fun that was. She picked out this little guy and those two were on their own. That was 17 years ago. Two days ago she finally had him put to sleep. Of course she cried, but the weird thing was: I cried. A lot. I never lived with this dog or anything and my sister has lived in Missouri for the last 11 years. I hardly ever get to see this dog or have any bond with him, really....except that my sister was sad....which makes ME sad. See how this bond thing works? When she weeps, I weep and vice versa. When she is happy, so am I. When she feels scared, I get scared and sometimes we don't even know it. She will just call me with some sort of feeling that she has and oddly, I will be having that same feeling. So when I found out that she finally had to put her precious first Sheltie to sleep I started to cry and pretty much kept crying throughout the day. Silly? maybe. But its a sister bond that I cherish. Dusty, you were a very special dog to my sister, and apparently to me too. Because you were a part of my sister and a part of her heart....therefore you were a part of mine too. See how life is? We are all connected on this earth. I love you my sister. We are a part of each other. Its the bond of sisterhood.